REAL 


University  of  California  •  Berkeley 

The  Theodore  H.  Koundakjian 

Collection 
of  American  Humor 


-7 

/4 


^ 


The 
Real  Diary 

of  a 
Real  Roy 


By 
HENRY      A.     SHT7TB 


The   Everett   Press 

Boston,    Mass.,     Me  mil 


COPYEIGHT,  1902 
BY 

HENRY  A.  SHUTE 


INTRODUCTION 


IN  THE  winter  of  1901-02,  while  rummaging 
an  old  closet  in  the  shed-chamber  of  my  father's 
house,  I  unearthed  a  salt-box  which  had -been 
equipped  with  leather  hinges  at  the  expense  of 
considerable  ingenuity,  and  at  a  very  remote 
period.  In  addition  to  this,  a  hasp  of  the  same 
material,  firmly  fastened  by  carpet-tacks  and 
a  catch  of  bent  wire,  bade  defiance  to  burglars, 
midnight  marauders,  and  safe-breakers. 

With  the  aid  of  a  tack-hammer  the  combina- 
tion was  readily  solved,  and  an  eager  examina- 
tion of  the  contents  of  the  box  disclosed  :  — 

1.  Fish-line  of  braided  shoemaker's  thread, 
with  perch  hook,  to  which  adhered  the  mum- 
mied remains  of  a  worm  that  lived  and  flour- 
ished many,  many  years  ago. 

2.  Popgun  of  pith  elder  and  hoopskirt  wire. 

3.  Horse-chestnut    bolas,    calculated    to   re- 
volve in  opposite  directions  with  great  veloc- 
ity, by  an  up-and-down  motion  of  the  holder's 

ill 


Introduction 

wrist ;  also  extensively  used  for  the  adornment 
of  telegraph-wires,  —  there  were  no  telephones 
in  those  days,  —  and  the  cause  of  great  pro- 
fanity amongst  linemen. 

4.  More  fish-hooks  of  the  ring  variety,  now 
obsolete. 

5.  One  blood   alley,    two  chinees,   a  parti- 
colored glass  agate,  three  pewees,  and  unnum- 
bered drab-colored  marbles. 

6.  Small  bow  of  whalebone,  with  two  arrows. 

7.  Six-inch  bean-blower,  for  school  use  —  a 
weapon  of  considerable  range  and  great  preci- 
sion when  used  with  judgment  behind  a  Guyot's 
Common  School  Geography. 

8.  Unexpended  ammunition  for  same,   con- 
sisting of  putty  pellets. 

9.  Frog's  hind  leg,  extra  dry. 

10.  Wing  of  bluejay,  very  ditto. 

11.  Letter  from  " Beany,"  post-marked  "Bid- 
deford,  Me.,"  and  expressing  great  indignation 
because  "Pewt"  "  hasent  wrote." 

12.  Copy-book  inscribed  "Diry." 
iv 


Introduction 

The  examination  of  this  copy-book  lasted  the 
rest  of  the  day,  and  it  was  read  with  the  pecul- 
iar pleasure  one  experiences  in  reviewing  some 
of  the  events  of  a  happy  boyhood. 

With  the  earnest  hope  that  others  may  ex- 
perience a  little  of  the  pleasure  I  gained  from 
the  reading,  I  submit  the  "  Diry  "  to  the  pub- 
lic. 

HENRY  A.  SHUTE. 

EXETER,  N.  H.,  Sept.  23,  1903. 


THE 
REAL.  DIARY 

O  F  A 
REAL  BOY 


FATHER  thot  i  aught  to  keep  a 
diry,  but  i  sed  i  dident  want  to, 
because    i    coodent    wright    well 
enuf,  but  he  sed  he  wood  give  $1000  dolars 
if  he  had  kept  a  diry  when  he  was  a  boy. 
Mother  said  she  gessed  nobody  wood  dass 
to  read  it,  but  father  said  everybody  would 
tumble  over  each  other  to  read  it,  anyhow 
he  would  give  $1000  dolars  if  he  had  kept 
it.    I  told  him  i  would  keep  one  regular  if 
he  would  give  me  a  quarter  of  a  dolar  a 
week,  but  he   said   i   had   got   to   keep  it 
anyhow  and  i  woodent  get  no  quarter  for 
it  neither,  but  he  woodent  ask  to  read  it  for 

1 


The      Real      Diary 

a  year,  and  i  know  he  will  forget  it  before 
that,  so  1  am  going  to  wright  just  what  i 
want  to  in  it.  Father  always  forgets  every- 
thing but  my  lickins.  he  remembers  them 
every  time  you  bet. 

So  i  have  got  to  keep  it,  but  it  seems  to 
me  that  my  diry  is  worth  a  quarter  of  a 
dolar  a  week  if  fathers  is  worth  $1000 
dolars,  everybody  says  father  was  a  buster 
when  he  was  a  boy  and  went  round  with 
Gim  Melcher  and  Charles  Talor.  my  grand- 
mother says  i  am  the  best  boy  she  ever  see, 
if  i  didn't  go  with  Beany  Watson  and  Pew- 
ter Purinton,  it  was  Beany  and  Pewt  made 
me  tuf. 

there  dos'nt  seem  to  be  much  to  put  into 
a  diry  only  fites  and  who  got  licked  at 
school  and  if  it  ranes  or  snows,  so  i  will  be- 
gin to-day. 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

December  1,  186£"brite  and  fair,  late  to 
brekfast,  but  mother  dident  say  nothing, 
father  goes  to  boston  and  works  in  the  cus- 
tum  house  so  i  can  get  up  as  late  as  i  want 
to.  father  says  he  works  like  time,  but  i 
went  to  boston  once  and  father  dident  do 
anything  but  tell  stories  about  what  he  and 
Gim  Melcher  usted  to  do  when  he  was  a 
boy.  once  or  twice  when  a  man  came  in 
they  would  all  be  wrighting  fast,  when  the 
man  came  in  again  i  sed  why  do  you  all 
wright  so  fast  when  he  comes  in  and  stop 
when  he  goes  out,  and  the  man  sort  of 
laffed  and  went  out  laffing,  and  the  men 
were  mad  and  told  father  not  to  bring  that 
dam  little  fool  again. 

December  2.  Skinny  Bruce  got  licked  in 
school  today.  I  told  my  granmother  about  it 
and  she  said  she  was  glad  i  dident  do  eny- 

3 


The      Real      Diary 

thing  to  get  punnished  for  and  she  felt  sure 
i  never  wood,  i  dident  tell  her  i  had  to  stay 
in  the  wood  box  all  the  morning  with  the 
cover  down,  i  dident  tell  father  either  you 
bet. 

December  2.  rany.  i  forgot  to  say  it  raned 
yesterday  too.  i  got  cold  and  have  a  red  rag 
round  my  gozzle. 

December  2.  pretty  near  had  a  fite  in 
schol  today.  Skinny  Bruce  and  Frank  Elliot 
got  rite  up  with  there  fists  up  when  the  bell 
rung,  it  was  two  bad,  it  wood  have  been  a 
buly  fite.  i  bet  on  Skinny. 

December  3,  186-  brite  and  fair,  went  to 
church  today.  Me  and  Pewt  and  Beany  go 
to  the  Unitarial  church,  we  all  joined  sun- 
day  school  to  get  into  the  Crismas  festerval. 
they  have  it  in  the  town  hall  and  have  two 
trees  and  supper  and  presents  for  the  scholars. 
4 


Of      a     Real      Boy 

so  we  are  going  to  stay  til  after  crismas  any- 
way the  unitarials  have  jest  built  a  new 
church.  Pewt  and  Beany's  fathers  painted  it 
and  so  they  go  there,  i  don't  know  why  we 
go  there  xcept  because  they  don't  have  any 
church  in  the  afternoon.  Nipper  Brown  and 
Micky  Gould  go  there,  we  all  went  into  the 
same  class,  our  teacher  is  Mister  Winsor  a 
student,  we  call  them  stewdcats.  after  we 
had  said  our  lesson  we  all  skinned  out  with 
Mr.  Winsor.  when  we  went  down  Maple 
street  we  saw  2  roosters  fiting  in  Dany  Win- 
gates  yard,  and  we  stoped  to  see  it.  i  knew 
more  about  fiting  roosters  than  any  of  the 
fellers,  because  me  and  Ed  Towle  had  fit 
roosters  lots.  Mr.  Winsor  said  i  was  a  sport, 
well  while  the  roosters  were  fiting,  Sunday 
school  let  out  and  he  skipped  acros  the  street 
and  walked  off  with  one  of  the  girls  and  we 

5 


The      Real      Diary 

hollered  for  him  to  come  and  see  the  fite  out, 
and  he  turned  red  and  looked  mad.  the  leg- 
horn squorked  and  stuck  his  head  into  a  cor- 
ner, when  a  rooster  squorks  he  wont  fite  any 
more. 

December  5.  snowed  today  and  school  let 
out  at  noon,  this  afternoon  went  down  to 
the  library  to  plug  stewdcats.  there  was  me 
and  Beany  and  Pewt,  and  Whacker  and  Pozzy 
Chad  wick  and  Pricilla  Hobbs.  Pricilla  is  a 
feller  you  know,  and  Pheby  Talor,  Pheby  is 
a  feller  too,  and  Lubbin  Smith  and  Nigger 
Bell,  he  is'  nt  a  nigger  only  we  call  him  Nig- 
ger, and  Tommy  Tompson  and  Dutchey  Sea- 
mans  and  Chick  Chickering,  and  Tady  Fin- 
ton  and  Chitter  Robinson. 

December  6.  Gim  Wingate  has  got  a  new 
bobtail  coat. 

December  7,  186-  Got  sent  to  bed  last 
6 


Of      a      RealBoy 

nite  for  smoking  hayseed  cigars  and  can't  go 
with  Beany  enny  more.  It  is  funny,  my  father 
wont  let  me  go  with  Beany  becaus  he  is  tuf, 
and  Pewts  father  wont  let  Pewt  go  with  me 
becaus  im  tuf,  and  Beanys  father  says  if  he 
catches  me  or  Pewt  in  his  yard  he  will  lick 
time  out  of  us.  Rany  today. 

December  8.  Skinny  Bruce  got  licked  in 
school  today.  Skipy  Moses  was  in  the  wood 
box  all  the  morning. 

December  9.  brite  and  fair,  speakin  day 
today,  missed  in  Horatius  at  the  brige. 

December  10.  Clowdy  but  no  rane.  went 
to  church,  lots  of  new  fellers  in  Sunday 
school,  me  and  Beany  and  Pewt  and  Pile 
Woods  and  Billy  Folsom  and  Jimmy  Gad 
and  lots  of  others.  Mister  Winsor  dident 
teach  today,  gess  they  woodent  let  him  on 
account  of  the  rooster  fite. 

7 


The     Real      Diary 

December  11.  My  new  boots  from  Tommy- 
Gads  came  today,  i  tell  you  they  are  clum- 
pers.  no  snow  yet. 

December  12.  Crismas  is  pretty  near, 
dont  know  wether  i  shall  get  ennything. 
father  says  i  dont  desirve  ennything.  you  can 
get  goozeberrys  down  to  Si  Smiths  1  dozen 
for  5  cents.  He  has  a  funny  sine  it  is 

flour 

meal 

molasses 

sugar 

coffee 

tea 

spises 

pork  & 

lard 

salt 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

butter 

ham 

eggs 


December  15.  Fite  at  recess  today,  Gran 
Miller  and  Ben  Rundlet.  Ben  licked  him 
easy,  the  fellers  got  to  stumping  each  other 
to  fite.  Micky  Gould  said  he  cood  lick  me 
and  i  said  he  want  man  enuf  and  he  said  if  i 
wood  come  out  behind  the  school  house  after 
school  he  wood  show  me  and  i  said  i  wood 
and  all  the  fellers  hollered  and  said  they 
wood  be  there.  But  after  school  i  thaught  i 
aught  to  go  home  and  split  my  kindlings  and 
so  i  went  home,  a  feller  aught  to  do  some- 
thing for  his  family  ennyway.  i  cood  have 
licked  him  if  i  had  wanted  to. 


9 


Tbe     Real      Diary 

December  16.  Tady  Finton  got  licked  in 
school  today,  snowed  today  a  little. 

December  17.  rained  in  the  nite  and  then 
snowed  a  little,  it  was  auful  slipery  and 
coming  out  of  church  Squire  Lane  fell  down 
whak  and  Mr.  Burley  cough t  hold  of  the 
fence  and  his  feet  went  so  fast  that  they 
seemed  all  fuzzy,  i  tell  you  if  he  cood  run  as 
fast  as  that  he  cood  run  a  mile  a  minite. 

December  18.  brite  and  fair,  nothing  par- 
ticilar.  o  yes,  Skinny  Bruce  got  licked  in 
school. 

December  19.  Cold  as  time.  Went  to  a 
sosiable  tonite  at  the  Unitarial  vestry,  cant 
go  again  because  Keene  told  mother  i  was 
impident  to  the  people,  i  want  impident. 
you  see  they  was  making  poetry  and  all  sit- 
ting around  the  vestry,  they  wanted  to  play 
copenhagin  and  post  office  and  clap  in  and  clap 
10 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

out,  but  Mister  Erl  woodent  let  them  because 
it  was  in  church,  so  they  had  to  play  poetry, 
one  person  wood  give  a  word  and  then  the 
oppisite  person  would  give  a  word  that  rimed 
with  it.  it  was  auful  silly,  a  girl  would  give 
the  word  direxion  and  then  a  stewdcat  would 
say  affexion  and  waul  his  eyes  towards  the 
girl,  and  then  another  wood  say  miss,  and 
another  stewdcat  wood  say  kiss  and  then  he 
wood  waul  his  eyes,  and  when  it  came  my 
turn  i  said  what  rimes  with  jellycake,  and 
the  girls  turned  red  and  the  stewdcats  looked 
funny,  and  Mister  Burley  said  if  i  coodent 
behave  i  had  better  go  home.  Keene  needent 
have  told  mother  anyway.  You  jest  wait 
Keene,  and  see  what  will  happen  some  day. 

December  20.  Bully  skating,  went  after 
school  and  skated  way  up  to  the  eddy,  was 
going  to  skate  with  Lucy  Watson  but  Pewt 

11 


The      Real      Diary 

and  Beany  hollered  so  that  i  dident  dass  to. 
Johnny  Toomey  got  hit  with  a  hocky  block 
rite  in  the  snoot  and  broke  his  nose. 

December  21.  Brite  and  fair,  nothing  par- 
ticular to-day,  nobody  got  licked,  old  Francis 
had  his  hand  done  up  in  a  sling,  he  said  he 
had  a  bile  on  it.  i  tell  you  the  fellers  were 
glad. 

December  22.  Warm  and  rany  and  spoiled 
the  skating,  coodent  do  anything  but  think 
of  Crismas. 

December  23.  Saturday  and  no  skating, 
went  down  to  the  library  to  get  a  book  for 
Sunday,  me  and  Beany  were  sticking  pins 
into  the  fellers  and  making  them  holler  and 
Jo  Parsons  the  libarian  jumped  rite  over  the 
counter  and  chased  us  way  down  to  Mr. 
Hams  coffin  shop,  he  dident  catch  us  either, 
then  we  went  down  town  and  Billy  Swett 
12 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

lent  me  a  dime  novel  to  read  suirday.  it  was 
named  Billy  Bolegs  a  sequil  to  Nat  Tod  the 
traper.  sequil  means  the  things  in  Nat  Tod 
that  was  not  finished. 

December  24.  Brite  and  fair.  Crismas  to- 
morrow, went  to  sunday  school.  Mr.  Lovel 
is  our  teacher  now. 

December  25.  Crismas.  got  a  new  nife, 
a  red  and  white  scarf  and  a  bag  of  Si  Smiths 
goozeberies.  pretty  good  for  me. 

December  26.  Crismas  tree  at  the  town 
hall,  had  supper  and  got  a  bag  of  candy  and 
a  long  string  of  pop  corn.  Mr.  Lovel  took 
off  the  presents  and  his  whiskers  caught  fire, 
and  he  hollered  o  hell  right  out.  that  was 
pretty  good  for  a  sunday  school  teacher, 
wasent  it.  Jimmy  Gad  et  too  much  and  was 
sick. 

December  27.  Beany  has  got  a  new  striped 

13 


The      Real      Diary 

shirt  not  a  false  bosom  but  a  whole  shirt, 
Beany  wont  speak  to  me  now.  Lucy  Watson 
has  got  a  new  blew  hat  with  a  fether.  she 
wont  speak  to  Keene  and  Cele  eether.  you 
jest  wait  Beany  and  Lucy  and  see. 

Jan.  1,  186-  Had  an  awful  time  in  school 
today,  me  and  Cawcaw  Harding  set  together, 
when  we  came  in  from  resess  Cawcaw  reached 
over  and  hit  me  a  bat,  and  i  lent  him  one  in 
the  snoot,  and  he  hit  me  back,  we  was  jest 
fooling,  but  old  Francis  called  Cawcaw  up 
front  to  lick  him.  i  thought  if  i  went  up  and 
told  him  he  wood  say,  noble  boy  go  to  your 
seat,  i  wont  lick  neether  of  you.  anyway  i 
knew  that  Cawcaw  wood  tell  on  me,  and  so  i 
told  old  Francis  i  hit  Cawcaw  first,  and  old 
Francis  said  Harry  i  have  had  my  eye  on  you 
for  a  long  time,  and  he  jest  took  us  up  and 
slammed  us  together,  and  then  he  wood  put 
14 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

me  down  and  shake  Cawcaw  and  then  he 
wood  put  Cawcaw  down  and  shake  me  till 
my  head  wabbled  and  he  turned  me  upside 
down  and  all  the  fellers  looked  upside  down 
and  went  round  and  round  and  somehow  i 
felt  silly  like  and  kind  of  like  laffin.  i  dident 
want  to  laff  but  coodent  help  it.  and  then 
he  talked  to  us  and  sent  us  to  our  seats  and 
told  us  to  study,  and  i  tried  to  but  all  the 
words  in  the  book  went  round  and  round 
and  i  felt  awful  funny  and  kind  of  wabbly, 
and  when  i  went  home  mother  said  some- 
thing was  the  matter  and  i  told  her  and 
then  i  cried,  i  don't  know  what  i  cried  for, 
becaus  i  dident  ake  any.  father  said  he 
wood  lick  me  at  home  when  i  got  licked  at 
school  and  perhaps  that  was  why  i  cried, 
ennyway  when  father  come  home  i  asked 
him  if  he  was  a  going  to  lick  me  and  he 

15 


The      Real      Diary 

said  not  by  a  dam  sight,  and  he  gave  me  ten 
cents  and  when  i  went  to  bed  i  got  laffin  and 
crying  all  to  once,  and  coodent  stop,  and 
mother  set  in  my  room  and  kept  her  hand  on 
my  forred  until  i  went  to  sleep,  i  drempt  i 
was  fiting  all  the  time,  when  i  get  big  enuf 
there  is  going  to  be  a  fite  between  me  and 
old  Francis,  you  see  if  there  aint. 

Jan.  2,  Me  and  Beany  has  made  up.  i 
told  him  i  had  ten  cents  and  then  he  dident 
feel  so  big  about  his  new  shirt,  ennyway  we 
went  down  to  Si  Smiths  and  got  a  dozen 
goozeberries  and  then  went  down  to  doctor 
Derborns  and  got  a  glass  of  sody  water  and 
took  turns  drinking  it  and  seeing  which  cood 
gulp  the  loudest.  Beany  beat. 

Jan.  3.  brite  and  fair.  Went  down  to 
Pewts  tonite  to  make  hayseed  cigars.  We 
made  5  kinds,  hayseed,  sweet  firn,  cornsilk, 
16 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

mullin  leeves,  and  grape  vine,  my  mouth 
taisted  aufuly  all  nite. 

Jan.  4  brite  and  fair.  Pewt  dident  come 
to  school  today,  i  gess  he  was  sick,  my 
mouth  taisted  aufuly  all  day. 

Jan.  5.  clowdy  and  aufuly  cold.  Pewt 
came  to  school  today  and  got  a  licking  for 
puting  gum  on  Nigger  Bells  seat.  Nig  set 
in  it  til  it  dride  and  then  tride  to  get  up 
and  coodent.  then  old  Francis  come  down 
the  ile  and  snaiked  Nigger  out  and  when 
he  see  the  gum  he  asked  us  who  put  it 
there,  we  all  said  we  dident,  but  he  licked 
Pewt  becaus  he  had  seen  Pewt  chooing 
gum. 

Jan.  6.  it  snowed  last  nite  and  today. 
Speaking  in  school  today,  i  spoke  the  ber- 
rial  of  sir  John  More,  old  Francis  said  he 
never  heard  ennything  wirse  in  his  life,  i 

17 


The      Real      Diary 

hope   he   wont   tell   father,     this   afternoon 
we  pluged  stewdcats. 

Jan.  7  Ed  Towle  has  got  a  gote.  the 
fellers  stumped  me  to  hold  him  by  the 
horns  and  he  buted  me  over  in  the  slosh, 
mother  said  i  had  no  bisiness  to  be  playing 
on  Sunday. 

Jan.  8.  brite  and  fair,  there  is  going 
to  be  a  nigger  show  in  the  town  hall  to- 
nite.  father  says  i  cant  go  becaus  i  sassed 
aunt  Sarah,  it  is  uncle  Toms  cabbin. 

Jan.  9.  brite  and  fair.  Beany  went  to 
the  nigger  show,  he  led  one  of  the  blud- 
houns  in  the  prosession  and  got  a  ticket. 
Beany  had  on  a  red  coat  jest  like  the  dogs, 
he  said  it  was  buly. 

Jan.  10    rany.    Nipper  Brown  is  the  best 
scolar  in  my  class,    i  am  the  wirst.    i  can 
lick  Nipper  easy. 
18 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Jan.  11.  brite  and  fair.  After  school  me 
and  Beany  and  Pewt  and  Fatty  Melcher 
and  Pozzy  Chadwick  and  lots  of  fellers  went 
skating  on  fresh  river,  i  was  skating  back- 
werd  and  i  got  one  leg  in  a  eal  hole,  gosh 
the  water  was  cold  and  before  i  got  home 
my  britches  leg  was  all  froze. 

Jan.  12.  nobody  got  licked  in  school  to- 
day, gess  why,  becaus  there  wassent  enny 
school,  old  Francis  was  sick,  i  went  skat- 
ing. 

Jan.  13.  brite  and  — no  it  was  rany.  had 
a  speling  mach  today  in  school.  Cele  and 
Genny  Morrison  staid  up  til  the  last  and 
then  Cele  missed  and  set  down  balling,  and 
Genny  beat,  i  cant  stop  to  wright  enny 
more  becaus  i  am  going  to  the  levee  with 
father. 

Jan.  14, 186-  Went  to  a  big  levee  last  nite 

19 


The     Real      Diary 

at  the  town  hall.  Bill  Morrill  and  Nuel  Head 
and  Dave  Quimby  and  Frank  Hervey  got  it 
up.  they  had  Hook  and  Pasons  quadril  band 
of  Haverhil.  father  bought  a  ticket  becaus  he 
was  in  the  custum  house  and  has  to  be  frends 
with  people,  it  was  splendid,  most  every- 
body went  all  dressed  up  in  blue  silk  and 
red  and  crokay  slippers.  Ham  Perkins  and 
Charlie  Lane  and  Charley  Piper  and  Chick 
Randall  and  Dan  Ranlet  and  Grace  Morril 
and  the  Head  girls  and  Sweat  girls  and 
Carrie  Towle  and  Sarah  Foster,  J.  Arthur 
Fosters  sister  and  the  Melcher  boys  and  they 
all  hopped  round  pretty  lively,  i  tell  you. 
i  staid  until  12  o'clock  and  listened  to  the 
band,  i  never  had  so  good  time  in  my  life. 

Jan.  15.    i  am  all  spekled  over,    mother 
says  she  is  afrade  i  have  got  chicken  pocks. 
i  gess  i  have  been  in  the  hen  koop  to  mutch. 
20 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Jan.  16.  the  speckels  have  all  gone  of. 
doctor  Perry  says  i  et  to  many  donuts. 

Jan.  18.  brite  and  fair,  yesterday  to  and 
day  before  yesterday  i  have  forgot. 

Jan.  19.  snowed  all  day.  Me  and  Beany 
is  mad. 

Jan.  20.  father  is  sick  becaus  he  et  to 
mutch  salt  fish  and  potato  and  pork,  he 
is  auful  cross  and  hit  me  a  bat  today  becaus 
i  left  the  door  open,  i  gess  he  will  be  sorry 
when  i  am  ded. 

Jan.  21.  brite  and  fair,  went  to  church 
in  the  morning  and  in  the  afternoon  greeced 
some  paper  and  trased  some  pictures. 

Jan.  22.  i  had  to  stay  in  the  woodbox 
today  for  whispering  to  Whacker  with  the 
cover  down,  i  like  it  becaus  they  is  a  peep 
hole  in  the  box  and  you  can  see  the  fellers 
and  they  cant  see  you.  by  and  by  Gimmy 

21 


The      Real      Diary 

Fitsgerald  whispered  and  old  Francis  put 
him  in  to  and  we  took  turns  peeping. 

Jan.  23.  it  raned  hard  all  day  and  we 
had  one  sesion.  Beany  came  over  and  we 
made  up  and  plaid  in  the  barn  making  fly 
boxes. 

Jan.  24.  nothing  much  today,  rany  in  the 
morning  and  froze  at  night. 

Jan.  25.  brite  and  fair,  everything  was 
covered  with  ice  and  when  father  started 
for  the  depot  he  tumbled  down  the  front 
steps  from  the  top  to  the  botom.  mother 
says  he  went  bumpity  bump  and  his  hat 
went  one  way  and  his  dinner  box  went  the 
other,  i  herd  him  swaring  aufuly  about  that 
dam  boy,  and  i  gess  he  wood  have  come  up 
and  licked  time  out  of  me,  but  he  had  to 
hurry  to  get  the  train. 


22 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Jan.  26.  jest  as  soon  as  the  skating  comes 
it  has  to  snow  and  spoil  it. 

Jan.  27.  i  coodent  go  out  of  the  yard  this 
afternoon  becaus  i  dident  put  ashes  on  the 
front  steps  before  father  fell  down  and  so 
Pewt  and  Beany  and  Whacker  and  Nibby 
Hartwell  and  Diddly  Colket  and  Nipper  and 
Prisilla  and  Gim  Wingit  and  lots  of  the 
fellers  came  over  and  we  had  a  snowball  fite. 
mother  says  she  hops  father  wont  keep  me 
at  home  anuther  afternoon. 

Jan.  28.  brite  and  fair,  it  never  ranes 
Sundays  so  a  feller  cant  go  to  church 

Jan.  29.  Nothing  puticular  today,  it 
always  seams  harder  to  go  to  school  mun- 
days,  more  fellers  gets  licked  mundays  than 
enny  day  in  the  weak,  i  got  stood  on  the 
platform  with  my  head  in  the  corner  for 
looking  of  my  book  today. 


The      Real      Diary 

Jan.  30.  brite  and  fair,  i  have  got  a 
auful  chilblane  on  my  heel. 

Jan.  31.  brite  and  fair,  i  was  glad  today 
was  wensday  in  the  afternoon  i  went  skat- 
ing, the  students  played  baseball  on  the  ice. 

Feb.  1.  brite  and  fair,  pretty  soon  it  will 
be  Washintons  berthday,  and  then  all  the 
boys  can  ring  the  town  bell  at  noon  and  at 
nite. 

Feb.  2.  clowdy  but  no  snow,  tomorror 
will  be  saterday  they  is  only  2  days  in  the 
weak  that  is  wirth  ennything  and  that  is 
wensday  and  saterday  except  in  vacation. 

Feb.  3.  Snowed  like  time  all  the  fore- 
noon, in  the  afternoon  me  and  Pewt  and 
Beany  rolled  up  some  big  snowballs,  then 
tonite  we  put  all  the  balls  together  and  made 
a  big  snowman  rite  in  front  of  Mrs.  Lewises 
front  door,  then  we  put  a  old  hat  on  it  and 
24 


Of      a      Real       Boy 

hung  a  peace  of  paper  on  it  and  wrote  man 
wanted  on  the  paper,  tomorrow  all  the  peo- 
ple who  go  to  church  will  see  it  and  laff 
because  Mister  Lewis  got  a  devorse.  they 
will  be  some  fun  tomorrow. 

Feb.  5.  i  coodent  wright  ennything  last 
nite  becaus  i  got  sent  to  bed  and  got  a  lick- 
ing, i  tell  you  we  got  in  a  auful  scrape. 
Sunday  morning  me  and  Pewt  and  Beany 
went  out  erly  to  see  our  snowman,  he  was 
there  and  when  people  began  to  go  by  they 
began  to  laff,  and  most  of  the  people  said  it 
was  the  funniest  thing  they  ever  see  and 
who  ever  put  it  there  was  a  pretty  smart 
feller,  so  we  said  we  did  it  and  Pewt  said 
he  thought  of  it  ferst  and  Beany  said  he  did, 
and  i  said  i  did  most  of  the  werk. 

Well,  pretty  soon  some  people  came  along 
and  looked  at  it  and  said  it  was  a  shame  and 

25 


The      Real      Diary 

they  went  over  to  pull  of  the  paper  and  she 
came  out  and  see  it,  and  she  took  a  broom 
and  nocked  it  over  and  broke  it  all  up.  and 
then  she  went  rite  down  to  my  house  to  tell 
father,  then  she  went  over  to  Beany s  house 
and  then  up  to  Pewts.  well  after  church 
father  took  me  over  to  her  house,  and  Beany 
was  there  with  his  father  and  Pewt  with  his 
father,  she  said  she  wood  have  us  arested 
for  it.  but  they  talked  a  long  time  and  after 
a  while  she  said  if  our  fathers  wood  lick  us 
and  make  us  saw  and  split  a  cord  of  wood 
she  woodent  say  no  more  about  it.  when  we 
went  out  father  said,  i  never  see  such  dam 
boys  did  you  Brad,  did  you  Wats,  and  they 
said  they  never  did.  so  we  have  got  to  saw 
and  split  that  wood  and  we  got  licked  two. 
Feb.  6.  brite  and  fair,  me  and  Pewt  and 


Of      a      RealBoy 

Beany  sawed  and  split  some  wood  for  Misses 
Lewis. 

Feb.  7.  brite  and  fair,  sawed  some  more 
wood,  me  and  Pewt  and  Beany. 

Feb.  8.  brite  and  fair,  split  some  more 
wood,  me  and  Pewt  and  Beany. 

Feb.  9.  Fatty  Melcher  and  Cawcaw  Hard- 
ing, Chitter  Robinson  and  Medo  Thurston 
helped  saw  some  more  wood. 

Feb.  10.  Brite  and  fair,  this  afternoon 
Whack  Pozzy  and  Boog  Chadwick,  Dutchy 
Semans,  Nigger  Bell  Pop  Clark,  Shinny 
Thing  and  Pile  Wood  all  come  down  with 
saws  and  axes  and  helped  us  saw  that  wood, 
we  worked  all  the  afternoon  and  got  it  done 
and  piled  up  before  dark,  then  Misses  Lewis 
asked  us  in  and  gave  us  some  buly  donuts 
and  some  sweatened  water  and  we  sung  and 
told  stories  and  before  we  went  we  told  her 

27 


The     Real      Diary 

we  was  sorry  we  bilt  the  snowman  and  she 
said  she  was  sorry  two.  then  when  we  went 
away  we  give  3  cheers  for  her. 

Feb.  11.  brite  and  fair,  i  shant  forget 
last  Sunday  very  soon. 

Feb.  12.  rany  today,  i  dont  care  becaus  i 
havent  got  to  saw  enny  more  wood. 

Feb.  13.   still  rany.   i  dont  care. 

Feb.  14.  pretty  cold  today,  going  to 
have  a  new  kind  of  speling  mach  tomorrow. 

Feb.  15.  Got  to  the  head  in  spelling  to- 
day, old  Francis  makes  us  all  stand  up  in 
the  ile  and  gives  us  a  lot  of  words  to  spell 
and  then  we  wright  them  down  on  our  slates 
and  then  the  head  feller  or  girl  changes 
slates  with  the  foot  feller  or  girl  and  so  on 
and  then  old  Francis  wrights  the  words  on 
the  blackboard  and  then  we  mark  each  others 
slates.  John  Flanygin  was  the  foot  feller 
28 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

and  had  my  slate,  well  most  of  Johns  words 
was  wrong,  but  John  marked  mine  all  write, 
i  gess  John  dident  know  it,  but  ther  was  4 
or  5  of  my  words  speled  wrong,  i  set  out  to 
tell  old  Francis  but  dident  dass  to  becaus 
he  licked  me  for  teling  that  i  paisted  Caw- 
caw  Harding  that  time,  so  i  kept  still  and 
kept  at  the  head  and  John  kept  at  the  foot, 
i  hope  John  will  do  it  again  tomorrow. 

Feb.  16.    Beat  in  speling  today. 

Feb.  17.   beat  in  speling  today. 

Feb.  19.  beat  in  speling  today,  old  Fran- 
cis is  a  going  to  give  a  prise  tomorrow,  i 
told  father  i  was  pretty  sure  to  get  it  and  he 
said  it  will  be  the  first  one.  Aunt  Sarah 
asked  him  if  he  took  many  prises,  and  he 
said  he  dident  get  much  of  a  prise  when  he 
got  me.  i  gess  he  wont  say  that  tomorrow 
when  i  bring  my  prise  home. 

29 


The      Real      Diary 

Feb.  20.  i  dident  get  the  prise,  you  see 
yesterday  John  Flanygin  spelt  more  words 
write  than  Gimmy  Fitsgerald  and  Gimmy 
went  to  the  foot,  when  we  marked  slates 
Gimmy  marked  9  of  my  words  wrong  out  of 
20,  and  I  had  to  go  down  most  to  where 
John  Flannygin  was.  old  Francis  said  he 
dident  beleave  i  had  aught  to  have  staid  at 
the  head  so  long  as  i  did  and  i  was  afraid 
he  would  lick  me  and  John  but  he  dident. 
he  said  he  was  ashamed  and  disapointed  in 
me  but  i  gess  he  was  not  the  only  one  who 
was  disapointed.  i  had  told  Pewt  and  Beany 
i  wood  treat  on  what  father  wood  give  me 
for  getting  the  prise.  Pewt  and  Beany  was 
both  mad,  and  are  going  to  lay  for  Gimmy. 

Feb.  21,  i  forgot  to  say  what  the  wether 
was  most  every  day  this  weak,  it  has  been 
brite  and  fair  most  of  the  time,  only  it  snowed 
30 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

two  days  and  raned  most  of  one  day.  brite 
and  fair  to-day  and  cold  as  time. 

Feb.  23,  Clowdy  and  cold.  Pop  Clark  had 
to  crawl  through  a  chair  to-day,  he  went 
through  so  fast  old  Francis  only  hit  him  2 
bats.  Tady  Finton  and  Nigger  Bell  both  got 
licked.  Tady  dident  cry  or  holler  a  bit,  but 
Nigger  hollered  just  like  a  girl,  i  supposed 
Nigger  was  more  of  a  man  than  that. 

Feb.  24,  Beany  and  Pewt  got  punching 
today  in  school  and  old  Francis  made  them 
stand  on  the  platform  with  their  arms  round 
each  others  neck  all  the  forenoon,  i  bet  they 
felt  pretty  cheep.  Brite  and  fair. 

Feb.  25,  i  have  got  a  new  pair  of  britches 
at  erl  and  Cutts.  i  gess  Beany  aint  the  only 
one  which  has  good  clothes  eather. 

Feb.  26.  Nothing  particular  today.  Went 
down  to  old  Heads  shop  to  see  the  stewd- 

31 


The      Real      Diary 

cats  ride  velosipedes.  There  is  going  to  be  a 
race  in  the  town  hall  tomorrow  night. 

Feb.  27.  Father  said  i  cood  go  to  the 
velosipede  race  if  i  woodent  miss  splitting 
my  kindlings  for  a  week,  i  did  miss  them 
twice  but  mother  dident  tell  him  and  if  he 
dont  ask  her  before  tonight  i  am  all  right. 

Feb.  28.  Last  night  went  to  the  velosi- 
pede race,  it  was  jest  ripping,  i  got  down 
before  the  door  opened.  Bob  Carter  came 
pretty  soon  but  he  woodent  let  us  in  until 
the  ticket  man  came.  Mr.  Watson  was  the 
ticket  man  and  he  let  me  and  Beany  and 
Shinny  Thing  in  free,  they  had  a  lot  of  seats 
in  the  center  of  the  hall,  and  the  rest  round 
the  edges,  and  a  open  track  around  the  hall. 
On  the  platform  set  Bill  Morrill  and  Dave 
Quimby  and  John  Getchell  and  Eben  Fol- 
som.  Most  of  the  fellers  in  the  race  were 
32 


Of     a     Real      Boy 

stewdcats  and  most  of  the  stewdcats  and  the 
girls  had  the  seats  in  the  center  of  the  hall. 
The  stewdcats  who  were  to  race  were  Stone 
and  Stuart  and  Lee  and  Clifford  and  August 
Belmont  and  Swift  and  Nichols  and  George 
Kent  and  Cutler  and  Johnny  Heald  and  Gear 
and  Burly  and  Bob  Morison.  the  townies 
were  Charlie  Gerish  and  Doctor  Prey,  each 
feller  rode  round  the  hall  twice  to  get  going 
like  time,  and  then  Dave  Quimby  hollered 
go  and  he  had  to  ride  around  the  hall  until 
he  had  rid  a  quarter  of  a  mile. 

When  the  stewdcats  rode  all  the  other 
stewdcats  yelled  and  the  girls  waved  their 
handkerchiefs  and  the  band  played  and  the 
excitement  was  dreadful. 

After  a  while  Docter  Prey  came  out  and 
all  the  townies  got  up  and  cheered  and  the 
band  played  the  star  spangled  banner,  because 

33 


The     Real      Diary 

Doctor  fit  in  the  war,  and  Doctor  took  of 
his  hat  and  bowed  and  then  rode  round  like 
time,  he  rode  faster  than  most  every  one  of 
them  except  Stone  and  Stuart  and  Lee  and 
Clifford  and  Belmont  and  Swift,  i  gess  if 
Doc  hadent  fit  so  hard  in  the  war  he  wood 
have  beat  them  all.  and  then  Charlie  Gerish 
came  out  and  all  the  townies  hollered  again 
and  Charlie  made  his  legs  go  so  fast  that 
they  coodent  hardly  see  them,  and  jest  before 
the  last  time  around  his  velosipede  slipped 
and  Charlie  went  fluking  over  three  settees. 
he  jumped  on  his  velosipede  again  and  went 
around  with  his  britches  all  torn  but  he 
dident  get  around  quite  quick  enuf  to  beat 
Stone,  then  the  townies  yelled  and  said  it 
was  a  cheat  and  the  stewdcats  hissed,  and 
some  of  the  townies  said  they  could  lick 
the  stewdcats,  and  the  stewdcats  said  they 
34 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

wasent  man  enuf  and  it  looked  as  if  there 
was  a  going  to  be  a  row  when  Charlie  Gerrish 
got  up  and  said  he  was  beat  fair  and  there 
wasent  enything  to  get  mad  about,  and 
that  he  would  like  to  shake  hands  with  the 
stewdcat  which  beat  him,  and  he  wood  like 
to  race  him  another  time  but  he  coodent  then 
because  he  hurt  his  leg,  and  then  they  shook 
hands  and  every  one  felt  buly,  and  the 
stewdcats  said  hooray  for  Charlie  and  the 
townies  hollered  hooray  for  Stone,  and  Bill 
Morrill  made  a  speech  and  give  the  prise  to 
Stone  and  the  band  played  and  we  all  went 
home,  i  bet  Doc.  Prey  and  Charlie  Gerrish 
can  lick  any  two  stewdcats  in  the  hall. 

Mar.  2.  i  went  to  a  show  in  the  town  hall 
tonight,  it  was  a  singing  show  called  the 
haymakers,  it  was  splendid.  Mr.  Gale  got  it 
up.  they  have  been  practising  all  winter. 

35 


The     Real      Diary 

Alice  Gewell  was  a  dary  maid  and  Charlie 
Lane  was  a  katydid,  and  lots  of  others  sung, 
it  was  splendid. 

Mar.  3.  Cloudy  but  no  rane.  went  down 
to  Langley's  store  for  some  juju  paste,  saw  a 
fite.  Old  Kize  tried  to  arest  Bill  Hartnit  and 
Bill  lammed  time  out  of  him  and  after  a 
while  old  Swain  came  up  and  arrested  him. 

Mar.  4.  Brite  and  fair.  Went  to  church 
to-day,  the  fernace  smoked  so  the  people  had 
to  come  home.  They  say  they  will  have  it 
fixed  before  next  Sunday,  i  hope  not. 

Mar.  5.  School  closes  tomorrow,  i  got 
kept  after  school  tonight  for  whispering  to 
Cawcaw. 

Mar.  6.   School  closed  today  and  we  voted 

for  prises.    Mister  Gordon  give  4  prizes  for 

the  2  best  fellers  and  2  best  girls  for  the 

term.    So  we  voted  for  them.    Most  of  the 

36 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

fellers  wanted  to  vote  for  Jenny  Morrison 
because  she  was  the  prettiest  girl  there 
and  can  go  the  greeshun  bend  better  than 
enny  girl  in  the  school,  and  most  of  the 
girls  dident  like  Jenny  Morrison  and  wanted 
to  vote  for  Dora  Moses  and  Mary  Luverin, 
and  the  girls  wanted  to  vote  for  Lees  Moses 
because  he  was  polite  to  them  and  rather  go 
with  the  girls  than  the  boys  and  we  holler 
at  him,  but  he  can  fite  for  i  saw  him  lick 
Gim  Erly  one  day,  and  Gim  Erly  can  rassle 
better  than  enny  one  but  Jack  Melvil.  well 
most  of  the  fellows  wanted  to  vote  for  Tady 
Finton  or  Pop  Clark  or  Skinny  Bruce  be- 
cause they  never  get  mad  or  cry  when  they 
are  licked  and  make  lots  of  fun,  but  we 
knew  they  coodent  get  the  prize  for  they 
are  all  the  time  raising  time  and  getting 
licked  and  so  we  voted  for  Honey  Donovan 

37 


The     Real      Diary 

and  Moses  Gordon,  and  when  the  votes 
was  counted  Dora  Moses  and  Mary  Luvering 
got  the  prizes  for  the  girls  and  Mose  Gordon 
and  Nigger  Bell  for  the  boys.  That  was  all 
write  about  Dora  Moses  and  Mary  Luverin 
because  they  was  the  best  girls  and  always 
went  together,  but  we  dident  like  it  very 
well  about  Mose  and  Nigger,  only  we  thought 
that  so  long  as  Mose's  father  give  the  prizes 
Mose  ought  to  have  one.  i  gess  most  of 
the  girls  must  have  voted  for  Nig,  because 
they  was  mad  with  Lees  Moses,  i  know 
what  they  was  mad  at  too. 

Then  the  first  class  give  old  Francis  a 
present  of  some  books  and  when  he  turned 
over  the  leaves  there  was  twenty  dollars 
there,  and  old  Francis  was  surprised  and 
made  a  fine  speech,  and  the  people  all 
clapped  becaus  he  made  such  a  good  speech. 
38 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

i  heard  him  saying  it  over  the  night  before 
when  i  was  kept  after  school.  No  school 
for  2  weeks. 

Mar.  7.  When  my  father  was  a  boy  he 
was  the  best  fiter  in  this  town. 

Mar.  9.  Went  down  to  Fatty  Melchers  to- 
day to  make  a  violin,  we  cut  a  piece  of  wood 
the  shape  of  a  violin  then  take  some  horse- 
hairs and  strech  them  over  a  brige  and  you 
can  play  a  tune  on  them,  in  school  i  learnt 
to  play  on  a  piece  of  india  rubber,  you  pull 
a  piece  of  elastic  out  of  your  congres  boot 
and  hold  it  in  your  teeth  and  pull  it  tite  and 
snap  it  with  your  ringers  and  you  can  play 
tunes  that  you  can  hear  but  no  one  else  can. 
old  Francis  saw  me  snapping  the  elastic  and 
came  and  took  it  away,  i  have  got  plenty 
more  in  my  boot,  i  am  saving  money  to  buy 
me  a  cornet,  when  i  get  enuf  i  am  a  going 
to  play  in  the  band.  39 


The      Real      Diary 

Mar.  10.  plesent  day.  old  Si  Smiths  big 
white  dog  and  a  bull  dog  had  an  awful  fite 
today,  neether  licked  and  they  had  to  squert 
water  on  them  to  seperate  them,  they  dident 
make  no  noise,  only  jest  hung  write  on  to 
each  others  gozzles.  my  aunt  Sarah  said  it 
was  dredful,  and  she  staid  to  the  window  to 
see  how  dredful  it  was. 

Mar.  11, 1864  Went  to  church  in  the  morn- 
ing, the  fernace  was  all  write.  Mister  Len- 
nard  preeched  about  loving  our  ennymies, 
and  told  every  one  if  he  had  any  angry  feel- 
ings towards  ennyone  to  go  to  him  and  shake 
hands  and  see  how  much  better  you  wood 
feel,  i  know  how  it  is  becaus  when  me  and 
Beany  are  mad  we  dont  have  eny  fun  and 
when  we  make  up  the  one  who  is  to  blam 
always  wants  to  treet.  why  when  Beany 
was  mad  with  me  becaus  i  went  home  from 
40 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Gil  Steels  surprise  party  with  Lizzie  Towle, 
Ed  Towles  sister,  he  woodent  speak  to  me 
for  2  days,  and  when  we  made  up  he 
treated  me  to  ice  cream  with  2  spoons  and 
he  let  me  dip  twice  to  his  once,  he  took 
pretty  big  dips  to  make  up.  Beany  is  mad  if 
enny  of  the  fellers  go  with  Lizzie  Towle. 
she  likes  Beany  better  than  she  does  enny  of 
the  fellers  and  Beany  ought  to  be  satisfied, 
but  sometimes  he  acks  mad  when  i  go  down 
there  to  fite  roosters  with  Ed.  i  gess  he 
needent  worry  much,  no  feller  isnt  going  to 
leave  of  fiting  roosters  to  go  with  no  girls, 
well  i  most  forgot  what  i  was  going  to  say, 
but  after  church  i  went  up  to  Micky  Gould 
who  was  going  to  fite  me  behind  the  school 
house,  and  said  Micky  lets  be  friends  and 
Micky  said,  huh  old  Skinny,  i  can  lick  you 
in  2  minits  and  i  said  you  aint  man  enuf 

41 


The      Real      Diary 

and  he  called  me  a  nockneed  puke,  and  i 
called  him  a  wall  eyed  lummix  and  he  give  me 
a  paist  in  the  eye  and  i  gave  him  a  good  one 
in  the  mouth,  and  then  we  rassled  and  Micky 
threw  me  and  i  turned  him,  and  he  got  hold 
of  my  new  false  bosom  and  i  got  hold  of  his 
hair,  and  the  fellers  all  hollered  hit  him 
Micky,  paist  him  Skinny,  and  Mister  Puring- 
ton,  Pewts  father  pulled  us  apart  and  i  had 
Mickys  paper  collar  and  necktie  and  some  of 
his  hair  and  he  had  my  false  bosom  and 
when  i  got  home  father  made  me  go  to  bed 
and  stay  there  all  the  afternoon  for  fiting, 
but  i  gess  he  dident  like  my  losing  my  false 
bosom,  ennyway  he  asked  me  how  many 
times  i  hit  Micky  and  which  licked,  he  let 
me  get  up  at  supper  time,  next  time  i  try 
to  love  my  ennymy  i  am  a  going  to  lick 
him  first. 
42 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Went  to  a  Sunday  school  concert  in  the 
evening.  Keene  and  Cele  sung  now  i  lay  me 
down  to  sleep,  they  was  a  lot  of  people  sung 
together  and  Mister  Gale  beat  time.  Charlie 
Gerish  played  the  violin  and  Miss  Packerd 
sung,  i  was  scart  when  Keene  and  Cele 
sung  for  i  was  afraid  they  would  break 
down,  but  they  dident,  and  people  said  they 
sung  like  night  horks.  i  gess  if  they  knowed 
how  night  horks  sung  they  woodent  say 
much,  father  felt  pretty  big  and  to  hear  him 
talk  you  wood  think  he  did  the  singing,  he 
give  them  ten  cents  apeace.  i  dident  get 
none,  you  gest  wait,  old  man  till  i  get  my 
cornet. 

Went  to  a  corcus  last  night,  me  and 
Beany  were  in  the  hall  in  the  afternoon 
helping  Bob  Carter  sprinkle  the  floor  and 
put  on  the  sordust.  the  floor  was  all  shiny 

43 


The      Real      Diary 

with  wax  and  aufully  slipery.  so  Bob  got 
us  to  put  on  some  water  to  take  off  the 
shiny  wax.  well  write  in  front  of  the  plat- 
form there  is  a  low  platform  where  they  get 
up  to  put  in  their  votes  and  then  step  down 
and  Beany  said,  dont  put  any  water  there 
only  jest  dry  sordust.  so  i  dident.  well  that 
night  we  went  erly  to  see  the  fun.  Gim 
Luverin  got  up  and  said  there  was  one  man 
which  was  the  oldest  voter  in  town  and  he 
ought  to  vote  the  first,  the  name  of  this  des- 
tinkuished  sitizen  was  John  Quincy  Ann 
Pollard,  then  old  mister  Pollard  got  up  and 
put  in  his  vote  and  when  he  stepped  down 
his  heels  flew  up  and  he  went  down  whak  on 
the  back  of  his  head  and  2  men  lifted  him  up 
and  lugged  him  to  a  seat,  and  then  Ed  Der- 
born,  him  that  rings  the  town  bell,  stepped 
up  pretty  lively  and  went  flat  and  swore 
44 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

terrible,  and  me  and  Beany  nearly  died  we 
laffed  so.  well  it  kept  on,  people  dident 
know  what  made  them  fall,  and  Gim  Odlin 
sat  write  down  in  his  new  umbrella  and  then 
they  sent  me  down  stairs  for  a  pail  of  wet 
sordust  and  when  i  was  coming  up  i  heard  an 
awful  whang,  and  when  i  got  up  in  the  hall 
they  were  lugging  old  mister  Stickney  off  to 
die  and  they  put  water  on  his  head  and 
lugged  him  home  in  a  hack,  they  say  Bob 
Carter  will  lose  his  place,  me  and  Beany 
dont  know  what  to  do.  if  we  dont  tell,  Bob 
will  lose  his  place  and  if  we  do  we  will  get 
licked. 

Mar.  12.  Mister  Stickney  is  all  write 
today,  gosh  you  bet  me  and  Beany  are 
glad. 

Mar.  13  186-  brite  and  fair  Mr.  Gravel 
has  bought  old  Heads  carrige  shop,  he  is  a 

45 


The     Real      Diary 

dandy  and  wears  shiny  riding  boots  and  a 
stove  pipe  hat  and  a  velvet  coat  and  goes 
with  Dan  Ranlet  and  George  Perkins  and 
Johny  Gibson  and  the  other  dandies,  i  went 
down  to-day  and  watched  Fatty  Walker 
stripe  some  wheels. 

Mar.  14.  clowdy.  Elkins  and  Graves  had 
an  oxion  to-night.  Beany  got  ten  cents 
for  going  round  town  ringing  a  bell  and 
hollering  oxion.  i  went  with  Beany  and  it 
was  lots  of  fun.  Beany  wouldent  treet.  he 
says  he  is  saving  money  for  something,  i 
know  what  it  is  it  is  a  valintine  for  Lizzie 
Tole.  it  was  mean  of  Beany  not  to  treet 
becaus  i  did  as  much  hollering  as  he  did. 

Mar.    15.     The    funniest   thing    hapened 

to-day  you  ever  saw.    after  brekfast  me  and 

father  took  a  walk  and  then  went  and  set 

down  on  the  high  school  steps,    father  was 

46 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

telling  me  some  of  the  things  he  and  Gim 
Melcher  used  to  do.  father  must  have  been 
a  ripper  when  he  was  young,  well  ennyway 
while  we  was  talking  old  Ike  Shute  came 
along  through  the  school  yard.  Ike  wears 
specks  and  always  carries  a  little  basket  on 
his  arm.  he  cant  see  very  well,  and  father 
said  to  me,  now  you  jest  keep  still  and  you 
will  see  some  fun  and  when  Ike  came  along 
father  changed  his  voice  so  that  it  sounded 
awfully  growly  and  said  where  in  the  devil 
are  you  going  with  that  basket,  and  Ike  was 
scart  most  to  deth  and  said  only  a  little  way 
down  here  sir  and  father  said,  move  on  sir 
and  move  dam  lively  and  i  nearly  died  laffing 
to  see  Ike  hiper.  well  after  a  while  i  see 
Ike  coming  back  with  old  Swane  and  old 
Kize  the  policemen,  i  tell  you  i  was  scart 
but  father  only  laffed  and  said  you  keep  still 

47 


The      Real      Diary 

and  i  will  fix  it  all  right,  so  when  they 
came  up  he  said  to  old  Kize  what  is  the 
trouble  Filander  and  he  said  Mr.  Shute  here 
has  been  thretened  by  some  drunken  rascal, 
and  father  looked  aufully  surprised  and  said 
that  is  an  infernal  shame,  when  did  it  happen 
Isak,  and  Ike  said  about  fifteen  minits  ago 
and  father  said  we  have  been  here  about  as 
long  as  that  and  i  dident  see  the  scoundrel, 
how  did  he  look  Isak,  and  Ike  said  i  coodent 
see  him  very  well  George  but  he  was  a  big 
man  and  he  had  a  awful  deep  voice  and 
father  said  did  he  stagger  enny  and  Ike  said 
i  coodent  see  wether  he  did  or  not  but  i  cood 
tell  he  was  drunk  by  his  voice,  so  old  Swain 
and  old  Kize  went  down  behind  the  school- 
house  and  off  thru  the  carrige  shop  yard  to 
see  if  they  cood  find  him,  and  me  and  father 
walked  home  with  Ike  to  protect  him  and 
48 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

father  said  now  Isak  if  ennyone  insults  you 
again  jest  come  to  me  and  if  i  can  catch  him  i 
will  break  every  bone  in  his  body,  and  father 
and  Ike  shook  hands  and  Ike  shook  hands 
with  me  and  then  we  went  home  and  father 
began  to  laff  and  laffed  all  the  way  home 
and  then  he  told  mother  and  aunt  Sarah  and 
they  said  it  was  a  shame  to  play  such  a  trick 
upon  him  and  father  laffed  all  the  more  and 
said  Ike  hadent  had  so  much  exercise  for  a 
year  and  it  wood  do  him  good  and  give  him 
something  to  think  about,  ennyway  they 
said  it  was  a  shame  to  teech  me  such  things, 
and  father  said  he  would  rather  i  wood  be 
tuf  than  be  like  Ike,  and  Aunt  Sarah  said  i 
never  wood  be  half  as  good  as  Ike  for  he 
never  did  a  wrong  thing  in  his  life,  and 
father  laffed  and  said  he  dident  dass  to  for 
his  mother  wood  shet  him  in  the  closet,  it 

49 


The     Real      Diary 

was  auf ully  funny,  but  i  gess  they  was  right. 
i  shall  never  be  half  as  good  as  Ike.  i  won- 
der if  old  Swane  and  old  Kize  have  caught 
that  man  yet. 

Mar.  16.  Pewt  dreened  18  marbles  and  2 
chinees  out  of  me  to-day,  we  was  playing 
first  in  a  hole,  school  today,  sailed  boats  in 
the  brook  in  J.  Arthur  Foster's  garden  and 
got  pretty  wet. 

Mar.  17.  Scott  Briggam  has  got  some  little 
flying  squirrels,  he  is  going  to  get  me  one 
for  thirty-five  cents,  i  am  going  to  take  it 
out  of  my  cornet  money. 

Mar.  18.  Father  wont  let  me  play  marbles 
in  ernest.  it  aint  enny  fun  dreening  a  feller 
and  then  giving  them  back,  i  bet  father 
didnt  when  he  was  a  boy. 

Mar.  19.  Scott  Briggam  brought  my 
squirrel  today  and  i  paid  him  35  cents,  3 
50 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

ten  cents  scrips  and  five  cents,  i  have  got  it 
in  a  bird  cage. 

Mar.  20.  my  squirrel  got  out  of  the  cage 
last  nite  and  father  found  him  in  the  water 
pail  drownded.  father  got  up  in  the  night 
and  got  a  dipper  and  drank  some  water  out 
of  that  pail,  he  dident  eat  any  brekfast  be- 
cause he  was  thinking  that  the  squirrel 
might  have  been  in  the  pail  then,  i  won- 
der if  it  was.  ennyway  35  cents  of  my 
cornet  money  has  gone  up. 

Mar.  23.  school  today,  went  down  to 
Pewts  to  draw  pictures.  Charlie  Woodbury 
can  draw  the  best,  then  Pewt.  and  then  me. 
Beany  dont  like  to  draw,  we  was  talking 
about  what  we  was  going  to  be  when  we 
grew  up.  Charlie  Woodbury  is  going  to  be  a 
picture  painter,  Pewt  is  going  to  be  a  law- 
yer, Potter  Gorham  and  Chick  Chickering 

51 


The      Real      Diary 

are  going  to  stuff  birds  for  a  living,  Beany  is 
going  to  be  a  hack  driver,  Gim  Wingit  is 
going  to  run  a  newspaper,  Cawcaw  Harding 
is  going  to  be  a  piscopal  minister  becaus  he 
says  they  only  have  to  read  their  speaches 
out  of  a  book,.  Nipper  Brown  is  going  to  be 
a  professor,  Priscilla  Hobbs  is  going  to  play 
a  organ  in  the  baptist  church.  Prisil  can 
play  3  tunes  now  on  a  little  organ,  i  am 
going  to  be  a  cornet  player  like  Bruce  Brig- 
gam,  cornet  players  can  go  to  all  the  dances 
and  fairs  and  prosessions  and  are  invited  in 
and  treated  when  people  are  married  and 
they  serrinade  them  at  night,  and  they  don't 
have  to  work  either. 

Mar.  25.   almost  as  warm  as  summer,  went 

to  church  and  Sunday  school.    Beany  has  got 

a  job  blowing  the  organ  for  Kate  Wells,    he 

only  let  the  wind  go  out  2  times  today,    it 

52 


Of      a     Real      Boy 

was  funny  becaus  when  the  organ  stopped 
Mister  Wood  who  was  singing  let  out  an 
auful  hoot  before  he  knowed  what  he  was 
doing  Beany  will  lose  his  job  if  he  does  it 
again. 

Mar.  29,  186-  The  toads  has  come  out. 
fine  warm  day.  me  and  Potter  Gorham  have 
been  ketching  toads  this  afternoon,  they  sit 
in  the  puddles  and  peep,  folks  think  it  is 
frogs  but  most  of  it  is  toads.  Potter  got  23 
and  i  got  18.  tonite  i  put  my  toads  in  a  box 
in  the  kitchen  after  the  folks  went  to  bed.  in 
the  night  they  all  got  out  of  the  box  and 
began  to  hop  round  and  peep  mother  heard 
it  and  waked  father  and  they  lissened.  when 
i  waked  up  father  was  coming  threw  my 
room  with  a  big  cane  and  a  little  tin  lamp, 
he  had  put  on  his  britches  and  was  in  his 
shirt  tale,  and  i  said,  what  are  you  going  to 

53 


The      Real      Diary 

lick  me  for  now  i  havent  done  nothing  and 
he  said,  keep  still  there  is  some  one  down 
stairs  and  mother  said  dont  go  down  George 
and  father  said,  lissen  i  can  hear  him  giving 
a  whistle  for  his  confedrit,  i  will  jump  in 
and  give  him  a  whack  on  the  cokonut.  i  had 
forgot  all  about  the  toads  and  you  bet  i  was 
scart.  well  father  he  crep  down  easy  and 
bio  wed  out  his  lite  and  opened  the  door 
quick  and  jest  lammed  round  with  his  club, 
then  i  heard  him  say  what  in  hell  have  i 
stepped  on,  bring  a  lite  here,  then  i  thought 
of  the  toads  and  you  bet  i  was  scarter  than 
before,  mother  went  down  with  a  lite  and 
then  i  heard  him  say,  i  will  be  cussed  the 
whole  place  is  full  of  toads,  then  mother  said 
did  you  ever,  and  father  said  he  never  did, 
and  it  was  some  more  of  that  dam  boys  works 
and  he  yelled  upstairs  for  me  to  come  down 
54 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

and  ketch  them,  so  i  went  down  and  caught 
them  and  put  them  out  all  but  2  that  father 
had  stepped  on  and  they  had  to  be  swep  up. 
then  all  the  folks  came  down  in  their  nite- 
gounds  and  i  went  up  stairs  lively  and  got 
into  bed  and  pulled  the  clothes  round  me 
tite,  but  it  dident  do  enny  good  for  father 
came  up  and  licked  me.  he  dident  lick  me 
very  hard  becaus  i  gess  he  was  glad  it  wasent 
a  berglar  and  if  it  hadent  been  for  me  it 
might  have  been  berglars  insted  of  toads. 

Mar.  30.  brite  and  fair,  went  out  with 
Potter  Gorham.  saw  some  toads  2  robins 
and  a  blewbird.  gosh  it  makes  a  feller  feel 
good  to  see  birds  and  toads  and  live  things. 

Mar.  31.  April  fool  day  tomorrow,  i  am 
laying  for  Beany,  old  Francis  licked  5  fel- 
lers today  becaus  they  sung  rong  when  we 
was  singing  speek  kindly  it  is  better  far  to 
rule  by  luv  than  feer.  55 


The      Real      Diary 

April  1.  auful  cold  and  rainy,  i  was 
going  to  wright  a  love  letter  to  Beany  and 
sine  Lizzie  Toles  name  to  it  but  i  told  father 
about  it  for  fun  and  he  said  that  it  was  four- 
gery  and  that  i  cood  be  prostecuted  and  sent 
to  jale.  so  i  dident.  tonite  me  and  Beany 
rung  five  door  bells  for  april  fool. 

April  2.  been  trying  to  get  rid  of  some 
warts.  Pewt  says  if  you  hook  a  piece  of 
pork  after  dark,  rub  it  on  the  warts  and  say 
arum  erum  irum  orum  urum  and  nurum  3 
times  turn  round  twice  and  throw  the  pork 
thru  a  window,  then  the  warts  will  all  be 
gone  the  next  day.  me  and  Beany  is  going 
to  try  it  tomorrow. 

April  3.  brite  and  fair,  dident  get  a 
chance  to  hook  the  pork. 

April  4.  The  band  played  in  the  band 
room  to  nite.  it  was  warm  enuf  to  have  the 
56 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

windows  open  and  we  cood  hear  it.  i  sat  out 
in  the  school  yard  til  10  oclock  to  hear  it 
and  father  came  out  and  walked  me  home. 
Beany  was  mad  becaus  i  cared  more  for  the 
band  than  for  getting  rid  of  the  warts. 

April  6.  dident  wright  anything  last  nite, 
was  too  scart.  i  never  was  so  scart  in  all  my 
life  before,  me  and  Beany  came  awful  near 
getting  in  jale.  we  dident  know  where  to 
hook  the  pork,  i  went  to  our  cellar  but 
father  was  down  there  making  vinigar  all  the 
evening,  then  we  went  to  Beanys  cellar  but 
Mister  Watson  was  sitting  on  the  cellar 
door,  so  Beany  told  his  father  that  a  man 
was  looking  for  him  to  see  about  a  horse  and 
Mister  Watson  started  down  to  the  club 
stable,  then  Beany  hooked  the  pork  and 
rubbed  it  over  his  warts  and  then  i  rubbed 
it  over  my  warts  and  we  said  arum  erum 

57 


The      Real      Diary 

irum  orum  urum  and  nurum  3  times  jest  as 
Pewt  said,  turned  round  twice  and  i  plugged 
the  pork  right  threw  a  gaslite  jest  then  the 
gasman  came  along,  he  yelled  at  us  and 
jumped  out  of  his  wagon  and  went  for  us. 
we  ran  down  threw  the  school  yard  as  fast 
as  we  cood  hiper.  there  is  a  hollow  in  the 
corner  of  the  school  yard  by  Bill  Morrills 
back  yard  and  there  is  a  little  hole  in  the 
bottom  of  the  fence  where  the  fellers  crawl 
threw  when  the  football  goes  into  his  gar- 
den, we  skinned  threw  that  hole  jest  in 
time,  the  gasman  tried  to  crawl  threw  but 
he  coodent,  then  he  clim  the  high  fence  but 
while  he  was  doing  that  we  ran  across  the 
carrige  factory  yard  and  down  by  the  old 
brewery  up  Bow  street  and  home,  i  went  to 
bed  pretty  lively  and  so  did  Beany,  gosh 
but  we  was  scart. 
58 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

April  7.    One  of  Beanys  warts  has  gone. 

April  8.  brite  and  fair,  my  warts  have 
not  gone. 

April  9.  brite  and  fair,  my  warts  have 
not  gone. 

April  10.  Clowdy  but  no  rane.  my  warts 
have  not  gone. 

April  11.  rany.  i  have  got  2  more  warts, 
i  gess  i  hadent  ought  to  have  broke  that 
gaslite. 

April  12.   i  have  got  another. 

April  13.  bully  day.  me  and  Potter  Gor- 
ham  and  Chick  Chickering  went  out  after 
toads  today,  i  got  14  but  i  dident  take  them 
home  you  bet. 

April  15.  Brite  and  fair,  we  all  went  to 
church  today  to  see  the  Lanes,  they  come 
from  New  York  and  when  they  go  to  church 
everybody  goes  to  see  them,  there  was  a 

59 


The     Real      Diary 

boy  with  them  named  Willie,  i  bet  i  cood 
lick  him. 

April  16.  Nothing  particular  today,  dont 
feel  very  well,  kind  of  headaky  and  back- 
aky. 

April  20.  have  been  sick  for  4  days,  went 
to  school  monday  and  had  to  come  home, 
when  i  got  home  i  fell  down  on  the  steps 
and  mother  and  aunt  Sarah  came  out  and 
got  me  in  the  house  and  put  water  on  my 
head  and  rubbed  my  hands,  and  then  the 
Docter  came  and  said,  well  Joanna,  children 
are  a  good  deel  of  truble  and  then  he  felt  of 
my  rist  and  said  hum,  and  then  he  looked  at 
my  tung  and  said  hum  again,  and  then  he 
pride  open  my  mouth  and  looked  down  my 
throte  and  said  hum,  and  then  he  pulled  off 
my  close  and  looked  me  over  rite  before 
mother  and  aunt  Sarah  and  said  well  he  aint 
60 


Of      a     Real      Boy 

spekled  eny.  then  he  said  what  have  you 
given  him  Joanna  and  mother  said,  nothing, 
and  the  docter  said,  all  right  give  him  some 
more,  and  mother  said  i  havent  given  him 
enything  docter,  and  then  he  walked  around 
the  room  and  picked  up  some  things  and 
looked  at  them  and  then  he  gave  me  some  of 
the  wirst  tasting  stuff  i  ever  took,  then  he 
said  i  gess  he  will  be  better  tomorrow,  and 
then  he  looked  at  some  more  things  and 
went  home,  i  dident  sleep  very  well  that 
nite  but  was  auful  hot  and  my  head  aked 
fearful,  mother  was  in  my  room  every  time 
i  waked  up,  and  Sarah  too.  next  day  i  had 
the- docter  again  he  looked  at  some  pictures 
and  things  and  told  mother  to  give  me 
some  more,  i  always  feel  better  when  the 
docter  comes  in.  he  dont  scare  a  feller  to 
deth. 

61 


The     Real      Diary 

Well  the  next  day  i  felt  a  little  better  and 
tried  to  sit  up  and  have  my  britches  on,  but 
i  had  to  lay  down  again  my  head  aked  so, 
and  after  awhile  my  head  felt  better  and  as 
i  laid  there  i  could  look  out  of  the  window 
and  it  seamed  as  if  little  chains  that  you 
could  see  through  like  glass,  were  floating 
up  and  down,  they  were  about  an  inch  long, 
well  i  wached  them  till  i  almost  went  to 
sleep  and  jest  as  i  was  most  asleep  i  heard 
Beany  out  in  the  street  holler,  say  Pewt,  did 
you  know  that  Plupy  is  going  to  die,  and 
Pewt  said  course  i  did,  why  dont  you  tell  me 
some  news,  and  Beany  said  i  heard  he  swal- 
owed  a  peech  stone  and  Pewt  said  it  was  IrVer 
complaint,  and  then  i  heard  some  one  say, 
you  boys  shet  up. 

Gosh  you  bet  i  was  scart.  i  hadent  thought 
of  dying,  i  began  to  howl  and  holler  for 
62 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

mother,  she  came  running  in  and  i  told  her 
i  was  going  to  die  and  i  told  her  about  break- 
ing the  gaslite  and  a  lot  of  other  things  and 
she  told  me  the  docter  said  i  was  getting 
better  and  i  wood  sit  up  tomorrow,  well  i 
felt  better  then  and  wished  i  hadent  told 
mother  about  the  gaslite  becaus  i  knew  she 
wood  make  me  tell  father,  well  mother  set 
by  my  bed  all  the  afternoon  and  read  me 
some  out  of  Billy  Bolegs,  jest  think  of  her 
doing  that,  so  when  supper  time  came  i  et  a 
lettle  tost  and  had  some  current  jelly,  when 
father  come  home  mother  told  him  about  the 
gaslite  and  all  he  said  was  i  wood  have  to 
pay  for  it  out  of  my  cornet  money,  i  thought 
he  wood  keep  me  in  for  a  month,  i  gess 
mother  must  have  talked  to  him. 

that  nite  father  slep  on  a  lounge  in  my 
room,    i  went  to  sleep  most  as  soon  as  he 

63 


Tbe      Real      Diary 

come  in.  after  awhile  i  dremp  i  was  tied  on 
a  sawlog  jest  going  nearer  and  nearer  to  the 
saw  and  the  saw  was  a  going  skratch-zoo, 
skratch-zoo,  skratch-zoo.  well  i  tride  td  pull 
away  but  i  coodent  move  and  i  tride  to  holler 
and  i  coodent  make  a  yip,  and  jest  before 
the  saw  sawed  into  me  i  woke  up.  gosh  you 
bet  i  was  glad,  but  the  funny  part  was  that  i 
cood  hear  the  saw  going  skratch-zoo,  skratch- 
zoo,  skratch-zoo,  and  what  do  you  think  it 
was.  it  was  father  snoaring.  gosh  you  ought 
to  have  heard  him.  well  at  first  i  laffed,  but 
by  and  by  i  wanted  to  go  to  sleep  and  father 
snoaring  so  loud  i  coodent  till  mother  came 
in  and  told  him  to  go  to  bed  and  she  laid  on 
the  sofa  all  nite.  the  next  day  i  set  up  and 
had  my  britches  on  and  set  up  to  the  win- 
dow all  day.  i  saw  Beany  and  Pewt  and  i 


64 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

nocked  on  the  window  and  waved  my  claw 
at  them,  i  am  going  out  tomorrow. 

April  22.  i  went  out  today,  it  was  real 
warm,  i  dident  go  to  church  becaus  i  had 
been  sick,  i  let  my  rooster  out  to  fite  J. 
Arthur  Foster's,  they  were  fiting  good  when 
i  looked  up  and  there  was  father  looking 
over  the  fence,  he  made  me  stop  the  fite  and 
shet  my  rooster  up.  i  wonder  if  he  wood 
have  stoped  them  if  i  hadent  been  there, 
i  got  2  eggs  today,  the  old  brama  that  i 
swaped  for  with  Ed  Tole  and  a  bolten  gray 
that  John  Adams  give  me. 

April  23.  i  went  to  school  today,  i  dident 
have  to  resiter  becaus  i  had  been  sick,  if  i 
dont  get  wirse  i  can  go  to  Mis  Packerds 
concert  tomorow.  hope  it  wont  rane* 

April    24.    brite   and  fair  and  it  dident 


65 


Tbe     Real      Diary 

rane  tonite,  so  i  went  to  the  concert,  all  the 
girls  was  flowers.  Keene  was  a  crocuss  and 
had  to  come  out  and  sing  first  becaus  the 
crocuss  is  the  first  flower  that  comes  out. 
she  sung  i  am  the  first  of  all  the  flowers  to 
greet  the  eyes  of  spring. 

Jenny  Morison  was  a  tuch  me  not  and  set 
in  the  top  of  a  rock  and  sung  tuch  me  not, 
tuch  me  not  let  me  alone.  Nell  Tole  was 
a  piny  or  a  sunflower  i  have  forgot  whitch. 
Jenny  Morison  and  Keene  and  Nell  Tole 
are  the  best  singers  for  their  size  in  town, 
father  thinks  Keene  can  sing  the  best,  he 
feels  pretty  big  about  Keene.  i  told  him  so 
one  day  and  he  said  he  had  to  becaus  i 
dident  amount  to  anything,  i  think  Jenny 
Morison  can  sing  the  best  but  dont  tell  him 
so  for  he  wood  give  me  a  bat. 

April  25, 186-  Cant  go  down  town  for  a 
66 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

week  because  i  sassed  J.  Arthur  Foster,  that 
is  J.  Arthur  Foster  says  i  sassed  him  but  i 
dident.  Beany  had  been  working  for  J. 
Arthur  raking  up  leaves  in  his  garden.  J. 
Arthur  was  a  going  to  give  him  10  cents  for 
it  and  me  and  Beany  was  a  going  to  divide 
up  on  goozeberries  and  juju  paist,  but  Beany 
dident  dass  to  ask  J.  Arthur  for  his  pay  be- 
cause he  had  raked  all  the  leaves  under  J. 
Arthurs  front  steps  and  he  was  afraid  J. 
Arthur  wood  find  out  about  it  and  not  pay 
him.  Beany  wanted  me  to  ask  him  but  i 
dident  dass  to  because  i  let  my  rooster  out 
to  fite  J.  Arthurs  last  Sunday  and  J.  Arthur 
dont  beleeve  in  fiting  roosters,  last  night  he 
was  setting  on  his  steps  with  some  company 
and  he  had  on  his  best  lavender  britches  and 
his  best  blew  coat. 

So  Beany  said,  tell  you  what  Plupy,  you 

67 


The      Real      Diary 

set  on  your  steps  and  i  will  set  on  my  steps 
and  we  will  holler  across  the  street  about 
the  money  that  J.  Arthur  owes  me.  So  Beany 
he  went  across  the  street  to  his  steps  and  he 
hollered  over,  hi  there  Plupy  have  you  got 
any  chink,  and  i  hollered  back,  no  Beany  i 
havent  got  a  cent,  and  Beany  he  hollered  i 
shood  have  10  cents  if  J.  Arthur  Foster 
wood  pay  me  what  he  owes  me,  and  i  hol- 
lered why  in  time  dont  he  pay  you,  and 
Beany  hollered  i  gess  he  hasent  got  any 
chink,  and  i  hollered  he  has  probably  spent 
all  his  chink  in  buying  them  lavender 
britches,  and  Beany  he  hollered,  well  if  J. 
Arthur  Foster  needs  the  money  more  than  i 
do  he  can  have  it.  well  while  we  was  hol- 
lering mister  Head  and  the  Head  girls  who 
was  setting  on  their  steps  got  up  and  went 
into  the  house  laffing,  and  the  company  at 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

J.  Arthurs  all  laffed,  and  J.  Arthur  came 
down  and  beckoned  to  Beany  and  Beany 
he  went  running  over  to  get  his  10  cents 
and  J.  Arthur  he  said,  Elbridge,  that  is 
Beanys  name,  Elbridge  you  cood  have  your 
money  enny  time  if  you  had  asked  me  for 
it  decently,  but  now  i  shall  not  pay  you  for 
a  week  and  i  shall  not  imploy  you  enny 
more.  Tell  you  what,  Beany  came  over  to  my 
steps  feeling  pretty  cheap  and  we  was  talk- 
ing about  it  when  mother  called  me  in  and 
sent  me  up  stairs,  and  said  she  wood  tell 
father  as  soon  as  he  came  home.  So  i  went 
up  stairs  and  looked  out  of  the  window  jest 
in  time  to  see  Beany's  father  lugging  Beany 
in  by  the  neck.  Well  that  nite  after  father 
got  home  he  jawed  me  and  said  i  coodent  go 
down  town  for  a  week  and  made  me  go  to 
J.  Arthurs  right  before  the  company  and  ask 

69 


The     Real      Diary 

his  forgiveness,  and  Beany  had  to  to.  J. 
Arthur  was  a  pretty  good  fellow  and  said  it 
was  all  right,  and  dident  want  our  fathers 
not  to  let  us  go  down  town,  but  father  said 
i  must  learn  to  be  respectable  to  my  elders. 
Gosh  we  dident  know  J.  Arthur  was  a  elder. 
We  knowed  elder  Stevens  and  elder  Stewart 
and  deacon  Gooch  and  we  always  was  re- 
spectable to  them,  and  if  we  had  knowed 
that  J.  Arthur  Foster  was  a  elder  we  wood- 
ent  have  sassed  him  for  nothing. 

April  26.  Yesterday  and  day  before  it 
was  brite  and  fair,  and  yesterday  was  as 
warm  as  summer,  today  it  was  cold  and  it 
snowed  a  little,  jest  enuf  to  make  the  ground 
look  as  if  it  was  covered  with  salt,  the  birds 
looked  all  humped  up.  i  bet  the  frogs  hind 
legs  is  about  froze,  it  is  raining  now.  if  i 
was  a  frog  i  woodent  come  out  of  the  mud 
70 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

until  summer,  perhaps  they  cant  stay  under 
more  than  six  months. 

April  27.  Warm  again.  2  eggs  today,  i 
have  got  another  hen.  Willyam  Perry  Mol- 
ton  gave  it  to  me.  it  is  a  leghorn  and 
his  other  hens  licked  it  and  made  its  comb 
bludy  and  so  he  gave  it  to  me.  it  was  on 
the  nest  today  but  did  not  lay.  i  went  to 
church.  Mr.  Cram  preeched.  he  talked  all 
about  birds  and  flowers  and  i  liked  it. 

April  28.  brite  and  fair,  all  3  hens  were 
on  the  nest  but  dident  lay. 

April  29.  no  eggs  today,  mother  said 
the  hens  cakled  all  the  morning,  brite  and 
fair. 

April  30.  i  dont  see  what  the  mater  is 
with  my  hens,  i  havent  got  1  egg  this  week, 
father  said  there  was  a  rat  in  the  koop.  i  got 
a  steel  trap  of  Sam  Diar  and  tonite  i  set  it 

71 


The      Real      Diary 

in  the  koop.  i  put  a  peace  of  cheeze  on 
it.  tomorow  morning  i  gess  mister  rat  wont 
steal  any  more  eggs. 

May  1.  what  do  you  think,  this  morning 
i  got  up  to  get  my  rat  and  i  found  that 
my  best  hen,  the  bolton  gray  that  John 
Adams  gave  me  had  tried  to  pick  the  cheeze 
out  of  the  trap  and  the  trap  had  caught 
her  by  the  neck  and  killed  her.  i  felt  most 
bad  enuf  to  cry.  i  thought  i  cood  get  up 
before  the  hen  did.  i  went  to  the  may  brek- 
fast  today,  it  was  mayfair  day  and  they 
had  a  brekfast.  me  and  Pewt,  Beany,  Whac- 
ker and  Pozzy  Chadwick,  Micky  Gould,  Pop 
Clark,  Prisilla  Hobbs,  Chick  Chickering, 
Potter  Gorham,  Pile  Wood,  Curly  Conner 
and  all  the  fellers  were  there,  we  had  a  good 
time  and  et  till  just  before  school  time  and 
we  had  to  hiper  so  as  not  to  be  late. 
72 


Of      a     Real      Boy 

May  2.  no  eggs  today,  both  hens  went 
on  the  nest,  i  am  going  to  lay  for  that 
rat  with  my  bowgun. 

May  3.  what  do  you  think,  this  noon  i 
set  in  the  hen  koop  1  hour,  the  brama  went 
on  the  nest  and  set  a  while  and  came  off  and 
cakled.  then  i  looked  and  she  had  lade  an 
egg.  i  left  the  egg  there  and  hid  behind 
a  barrel  and  got  my  bowgun  ready  for  the 
rat.  well  the  leghorn  hen  went  on  the 
nest  and  i  suposed  she  was  a  going  to  lay, 
but  she  broke  rite  into  that  egg  and  be- 
gan to  gobble  it  up.  i  was  so  mad  that  i  let 
ding  at  her  with  the  bowgun  and  just  then 
she  stuck  up  her  head  and  the  arrow  took 
her  rite  in  the  back  of  the  head,  well  i  wish 
you  cood  have  seen  her.  she  hollered  one 
little  pip  and  then  went  rite  out  of  the  nest 
backwards  and  napped  round  awful,  i  picked 

73 


The      Real      Diary 

her  up  and  she  was  dead,  i  dident  mean 
to  kill  her,  i  only  wanted  to  make  her  jump 
and  learn  her  not  to  eat  eggs.  O  dear,  i 
dont  know  what  father  will  say  when  he 
finds  it  out. 

May  5,  186-  Saw  a  bully  fite  today.  Cris 
Staples  and  Charlie  Foster.  Charlie  is  visit- 
ing his  uncle  J.  Arthur  Foster,  the  feller 
that  we  sassed.  that  is  he  said  we  did  but 
we  dident.  Charlie  is  a  city  feller,  he  lives 
in  Chelsy  and  thinks  he  knows  a  pile  about 
things  and  gets  mad  if  we  call  him  names, 
now  every  feller  who  amounts  to  anything 
has  a  nickname,  and  some  of  them  have  2 
or  3.  my  nicknames  are  Plupy  and  Skinny 
and  Polelegs,  and  Beany  is  called  Bullet- 
head  and  sometimes  Fatty,  i  told  Charlie 
that  if  i  called  him  Charlie  the  fellers  would 
call  him  sissy  or  Mary  and  he  better  agree 
74 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

to  let  me  call  him  bulldog  or  tomcat  or 
diddly  or  gobbler  or  some  nickname  whitch 
wood  mean  something,  but  he  said  he  would 
lam  the  head  off  of  enny  feller  which  called 
him  names. 

well  you  jest  see  what  trouble  he  got  into 
for  not  having  a  nickname,  he  would  have 
knowed  better  than  that  if  he  hadent  lived 
in  Chelsy. 

Well  today  me  and  Charlie  was  setting  on 
his  steps.  Beany  was  mad  because  i  was 
going  with  Charlie  and  he  had  gone  riding 
with  his  father,  and  he  felt  pretty  big  be- 
cause his  father  let  him  drive,  well  while 
we  were  setting  there  along  came  Cris 
Staples  who  carries  papers  for  Lane  and 
Rollins  store,  and  Cris  hollered  over,  hullo 
Polelegs.  Charlie  hadent  heard  enyone  call 
me  Polelegs.  and  i  said,  i  woodent  stand  that 

75 


The     Real      Diary 

if  i  was  you  Charlie,  now  less  see  you  lam 
the  head  off  of  him,  and  Charlie  he  started 
across  the  road  and  walked  up  to  Cris  and 
said  who  in  time  are  you  calling  Polelegs 
and  Cris  wasent  going  to  back  down  and 
said,  you,  and  Charlie  said  jest  drop  them 
papers  and  i  will  nock  your  face  rite  off, 
and  Cris  dropped  his  papers  and  they  went 
at  it.  it  was  the  best  fite  i  have  seen  this 
year,  they  fit  from  Mr,  Head's  down  to  Gim 
Ellisons  corner,  and  Cris  licked  time  out  of 
Cnarlie,  and  Charlie  began  to  yell  and  give 
up  and  then  Cris  let  go  of  his  hair  and  told 
him  he  was  too  smart,  and  that  it  was  me 
he  was  calling  Polelegs  and  not  him,  and  he 
better  not  be  as  smart  another  time,  and  Cris 
he  picked  up  his  papers  and  went  off  with  a 
great  slit  in  his  jacket  and  his  necktie  way 
round  on  one  side,  and  Charlie  came  home 
76 


Of     a      Real      Boy 

howling  and  Aunt  Foster,  Charlie's  grand- 
mother came  out  and  said,  that  is  what  you 
get  Charlie  for  quareling.  see  how  much 
better  Harry  feels,  and  i  said,  yes  mam. 
Charlie  is  never  going  to  speak  to  me 
again. 

May  7.  Beany  was  pretty  mad  when  I 
told  him  about  the  fite  becaus  he  dident  see 
it.  i  gess  he  will  find  it  don't  pay  to  get 
mad  with  me.  i  saw  Charlie  today  but  he 
dident  speak,  he  has  got  a  black  eye.  Cris 
has  got  a  funny  looking  nose  on  one  side. 

May  8.  Chitter  Robinson  went  in  swim- 
ing  today,  i  bet  it  was  cold. 

May  9.  Went  down  to  the  high  school 
yard  tonite  to  hear  the  band  play,  they  have 
got  a  new  leader  a  Mister  Ashman  of  Bos- 
ton, he  can  play  a  cornet  with  1  hand,  i 
went  down  today  to  pay  the  gasman  for  the 

77 


The     Real      Diary 

gaslite  i  broke,  it  cost  1  dollar  and  i  have 
only  got  87  cents  for  my  cornet,  sometimes 
i  dont  believe  i  shall  ever  get  that  cornet. 
Scott  Brigam  can  blow  a  bugle,  a  bugle  is 
like  a  cornet  only  a  cornet  has  3  keys  and  a 
bugle  is  all  covered  with  flappers  and  curly 
things  where  you  put  your  fingers.  Rashe 
Belnap  can  play  a  cornet  splendid  but  he 
dont  play  very  often.  Frank  Hirvey  plays 
one  that  goes  over  his  shoulder  way  behind 
his  back,  gosh  i  wish  i  cood  get  a  cornet. 

May  10.  father  has  found  out  about  my 
killing  that  hen.  he  dident  get  mad  but  said 
i  ought  to  have  cut  her  head  off  and  she 
wood  be  good  to  eat,  but  i  supose  it  is 
too  late  now  for  it  is  almost  a  week  ago  and 
i  burried  her  the  next  day. 

May  11.  me  and  Potter  Gorham  went 
mayflowering  today,  i  got  a  bunch  and  sold 
78 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

them  to  a  student  named  Chizzum  for  35 
cents,  i  put  it  with  my  cornet  money,  i 
have  now  got  11.22.  i  can  get  a  cornet  for 
25  dollars  a  second  hand  one.  i  am  afraid 
i  shall  never  get  that  cornet. 

May  12.  Rany  last  nite  and  this  morning, 
in  the  afternoon  it  cleared  up.  gosh  i  wish 
you  cood  have  seen  the  licking  Beany  got 
tonite.  me  and  Beany  went  out  to  go  up 
to  see  Pewt  and  make  some  sweet  fern  si- 
gars.  Beany  came  over  for  me  and  went  up 
to  Pewts.  on  the  way  Beany  went  up  and 
rung  his  doorbell  arid  we  hid  behind  the 
fence  and  Mister  Watson,  Beany's  father, 
came  out  holding  a  light  and  shading  it 
with  his  hand,  the  wind  blew  the  lite  out 
and  in  going  in  again  he  hit  his  head  an 
awful  bump  against  the  door,  me  and  Beany 
nearly  died  laffing  only  we  tride  not  to  laff 

79 


The      Real      Diary 

too  loud,  well  we  went  up  to  Pewts  and 
Pewt  had  been  sent  to  bed  for  something 
and  so  we  started  back  and  met  a  man  who 
said  is  this  you  Elbridge,  it  was  pretty  dark 
and  Beany  said  yes  and  Mister  Watson 
grabbed  us  both  by  the  collar  and  said,  so  you 
are  the  boys  who  rung  my  doorbell  and  then 
he  give  Beany  a  rap  on  the  side  of  the  head 
and  began  to  shake  him  round  lively  and 
while  he  was  shaking  Beany  up  i  put  for 
home,  i  hid  behind  the  fence  and  i  cood 
hear  him  say  i  will  learn  you  to  asosiate 
with  that  misable  Shute  boy  and  wast  your 
time  ringing  doorbells,  and  Beany  was  say- 
ing, o  father  i  will  never  do  it  again,  i 
nearly  died  laffing  to  hear  Beany  a  rattling 
round  on  the  sidewalk,  i  hope  Mister  Wat- 
son wont  tell  father,  i  gess  he  wont  for  he 
gets  over  his  mad  pretty  quick,  every  time 
80 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

i  think  of  Beanys  legs  flying  round  in  the 
air  i  giggle  rite  out  and  when  i  think  of 
Mister  Watson  bumping  his  head  i  nearly 
die.  sometimes  i  think  it  pays  to  be  tuff. 

May  13  186-  Keene  and  Cele  have  got 
some  new  crokay  slippers,  you  bet  they  feel 
pretty  big  about  it. 

May  14.    nothing  particular  today. 

May  15.  Went  in  swimming  today,  the 
water  was  pretty  cold  but  i  swum  acros  the 
river  twise. 

May  16.  the  suckers  have  come.  Potter 
Gorham  caught  three  yesterday,  me  and 
Potter  was  going  yesterday  after  school  but 
father  woodent  let  me  becaus  i  dident  split 
my  kindlings. 

May  17.  the  band  played  tonight,  father 
made  me  go  to  bed  at  nine  but  i  cood  hear  it 
becaus  my  window  is  jest  acros  the  road. 

81 


The      Real      Diary 

they  are  playing  a  new  peace,  it  is  the 
woodup  quickstep,  they  say  Ned  Kendall 
cood  play  it  on  a  bugle  better  than  enny- 
body.  old  Robinson  cood  and  Mister  Ash- 
man can  play  it  splendid,  it  goes 

ta-ta  tata,  ta-ta  tata,  ta-ta  tata 

tatatatatatata. 

ta-te-ta-te-tiddle  iddle-a 

ta-te-ta-te-tiddle-iddle-a 

ta-te-ta-te-tiddle-iddle-a 

tiddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-ata 

it  is  the  best  peace  they  play  exept  departed 
days,  that  always  makes  me  feel  like  crying 
it  is  kinder  sad  like,  i  hope  i  can  get  my 
cornet  some  day. 

May  19.    had  a  auful  toothake  today  and 
had  to  go  down  to  docter  Pitman  and  he 
pulled  it   out.    i  tell  you  it  hurt.    Doctei 
82 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Pitman  said  the  roots  must  have  reached 
way  to  the  back  of  my  neck.  Beany  went 
with  me  and  then  told  all  round  that  i  hol- 
lered, you  jest  wait  Beany. 

May  21.  erly  this  afternoon  me  and  Fatty 
Melcher  got  some  real  segars  at  Henry  Sim- 
sons  store  and  went  down  behind  old  man 
Churchills  store  and  smoked  them,  we  were 
both  auful  sick  and  laid  there  all  the  after- 
noon, when  i  went  home  i  walked  wobbly 
and  mother  asked  me  if  i  was  sick  and  she 
put  me  to  bed  and  was  going  to  send  for 
the  docter,  but  father  came  in  and  when  he 
found  out  what  aled  me  he  laffed  and  said 
it  served  me  rite,  then  after  supper  he  set 
out  on  the  steps  rite  under  my  window  and 
smoked  a  old  pipe  and  i  cood  smell  it  and 
i  thought  i  shood  die.  then  mother  asked 
him  to  go  away  and  he  laffed  and  said  all 

83 


The     Real      Diary 

rite,  but  he  gessed  i  had  enuf  for  one  day 
and  she  said  she  gessed  so  and  i  gess  so  too. 
he  said  if  it  hadent  made  me  sick  he  wood 
have  licked  me. 

i  dont  see  why  it  is  so,  father  swears 
sometimes  when  he  hits  his  thum  with  a 
hammer  and  once  when  he  was  in  the  dark 
he  was  walking  towards  the  door  with  his 
arms  out  to  feel  for  the  door,  one  arm  went 
on  one  side  of  the  door  and  the  other  arm 
on  the  other  side  and  he  hit  his  nose  a  fear- 
ful bump  rite  on  the  ege  of  the  door,  and 
i  wish  you  cood  have  heard  him  swear,  well 
if  i  swear  he  licks  me,  and  he  smokes  and 
if  i  do  he  says  he  will  lick  me  and  he 
dont  go  to  church  and  if  i  dont  go  he 
says  he  will  lick  me.  O  dear  i  gess  i  wont 
smoke  enny  more. 


84 


Of      a     Real      Boy 

May  22.  Went  in  swimming  today  twise, 
once  down  to  the  raceway  and  once  up  to 
the  gravel. 

May  23.  Went  butterflying  with  Chick 
Chickering  today,  it  is  a  little  early  for 
them,  but  we  got  two  blew  and  black  ones 
and  three  little  red  ones.  Me  and  Chick  are 
making  aquariams.  Chick  has  got  a  splendid 
glass  one.  i  made  mine  out  of  a  butter 
firkin,  i  sawed  it  off  half  way  and  then 
washed  it  out  with  soft  soap  and  rensed 
it  2  or  3  times  and  then  i  put  in  some  white 
sand  and  stones  and  i  have  got  some  little 
minnies  and  kivies  and  a  little  pickerel,  it 
looks  splendid  and  i  change  the  water  every 
3  days. 

May  24.    Nothing  particular  today. 

May  25.  i  can  swim  under  water  from 
the  big  tree  on  Moulton's  side  of  the  river 

85 


The      Real      Diary 

at  the  gravel  to  the  tree  on  the  bank  on 
Oilman's  side,  i  went  in  3  times  today. 

May  26.  My  rooster  is  sick,  i  gess  he  has 
et  something,  he  sits  all  humped  up.  i  went 
in  swimming  2  times  today. 

May  27.  My  rooster  is  pretty  sick,  i  tride 
to  give  him  some  kiann  pepper  tonite.  fa- 
ther said  kiann  pepper  was  good  for  sick 
hens,  so  i  held  his  mouth  open  and  give  him 
a  spoonful,  when  i  let  him  go  he  kept 
his  mouth  open  and  sorter  sneezed  pip-craw 
pip-craw  pip-craw,  and  then  he  went  to  the 
water  dish  and  began  to  drink,  i  think  he  is 
better  because  he  hadent  drank  any  water  for 
2  days  before,  he  was  still  drinking  when  i 
went  away,  i  gess  he  will  be  a  lot  better  to- 
morrow. 

May  28.  What  do  you  think,  this  morn- 
ing when  i  went  out  to  feed  my  hens  i  found 
86 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

my  rooster  dead,  he  had  drank  up  all  the 
water  and  he  was  all  puffed  up.  i  felt  pretty 
bad.  father  says  i  gave  him  enuf  kiann 
pepper  for  a  horse,  he  aught  to  have  told 
me.  he  was  a  pretty  good  rooster  too.  i 
am  having  pretty  tuff  luck. 

May  29.  i  read  over  my  diary  today,  i 
have  forgot  to  tell  whether  it  was  brite  and 
fair  or  rany,  i  can't  say  now. 

May  30,  186-  Nothing  particular  today, 
brite  and  fair. 

May  31.  brite  and  fair,  went  up  to 
Whacker  Chadwicks  today  after  school  to 
help  him  plant  his  garden,  we  had  about  a 
bushel  of  potatoes  to  plant  and  it  was  fun  to 
sit  round  a  basket  and  cut  up  the  potatoes, 
after  a  while  Gim  Erly  and  Luke  Mannux 
cume  along  and  we  began  to  plug  potatoes 
at  them,  they  plugged  them  back  and  we 

87 


The      Real      Diary 

had  a  splendid  fite,  me  and  Whack  and 
Pozzy  and  Boog  Chadwick  on  one  side  and 
Gim  Eriy  and  Luke  Mannux  and  Bob  Ridly 
on  the  other.  Luke  Mannux  hit  me  twice 
rite  in  the  back  of  the  head,  i  am  going  up 
tomorrow  to  help  them  some  more,  went  in 
swimming  once  today. 

May  32  no  i  ment  June  1.  i  went  up 
to  Chadwicks  after  school.  Cap  tin  Chad- 
wick  was  there  and  they  wasent  enny  plug- 
gin  potatoes,  went  in  swimming. 

June  2.  Rany.  Beany  is  mad  with  me.  i 
dont  care. 

June  3.    went  to  church  today. 

June  4.  clowdy  but  no  rane.  went  up  to 
Chadwicks  today  and  sawed  wood.  Boog 
and  Pozzy  fit  while  me  and  Whack  sawed 
wood  then  we  went  in  swiming  down  to 
Sandy  Bottom,  some  body  tide  some  hard 
88 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

gnots  in  my  shirt,  i  forgot  to  split  my  kind- 
lings tonite. 

June  5.  brite  and  fair.    Beany  is  still  mad. 

June  6.  brite  and  fair,  i  know  what 
Beany  is  mad  about,  he  thinks  i  told  about 
his  getting  a  licking,  i  dident  tell,  he  can 
stay  mad  if  he  wants  to. 

June  7.  father  has  bought  a  horse  of  Dan 
Randlet.  i  rode  up  to  Brentwood  with  Sam 
Diar  to  get  it.  it  is  the  prettiest  horse  i  ever 
saw.  i  rode  it  down  from  Brentwood  and  it 
goes  jest  as  easy  as  sitting  on  a  spring  board, 
when  i  got  home  Beany  got  over  his  mad 
and  came  over  and  i  gave  him  a  ride,  me 
and  Beany  never  were  mad  so  long  before. 

June  9.  Rany.  this  afternoon  me  and 
Beany  and  father  went  to  ride  with  the  new 
horse,  her  name  is  Nellie. 

June  10.  brite  and  fair,  we  keep  Nellie 

89 


The      Real      Diary 

down  to  Jo  Hanes  stable.  Frank  Hanes  is 
learning  me  how  to  clean  her  off.  she  nipped 
my  arm  today  and  made  a  black  and  blew 
spot,  went  in  swimming  today. 

i  have  to  get  up  every  morning  and  har- 
nes  Nelly  and  drive  father  to  the  depot,  i 
like  it  because  i  always  race  with  the  men 
coming  down  front  street,  there  is  George 
Dergin  and  Fred  Sellivan  and  Gim  Wingit 
and  i  can  beat  them  all.  i  dont  tell  father 
that  i  race,  i  rode  Nellie  this  afternoon  with 
Frank  Hanes  and  Ed  Tole.  i  dident  go  in 
swimming  to-day. 

June  11.  brite  and  fair.  Nellie  kicked  me 
today,  i  gess  i  scrached  her  today  too  hard 
with  the  curycomb.  it  didenfc  hurt  me  much, 
i  went  in  swimming  twise. 

June  12.  brite  and  fair.  Me  and  Chick 
Chickering  went  bullfroging  today,  we  got  3 
90 


Of      a      Real       Boy 

dozen  hind  legs  and  sold  them  to  Mr.  Hirvey 
for  30  cents  and  took  our  pay  in  icecream. 

June  13.  Rode  Nellie  this  noon,  i  have 
to  go  to  the  half  past  five  train  every  nite 
for  father,  i  like  to  drive  but  i  dont  like  to 
go  every  nite. 

June  14.  Rashe  Belnap  and  Horris  Cobbs 
go  in  swimming  every  morning  at  six 
o'clock,  i  got  a  licking  today  that  beat 
the  one  Beany  got.  last  summer  me  and 
Tomtit  Tomson  and  Cawcaw  Harding  and 
Whack  and  Poz  and  Boog  Chadwick  went 
in  swimming  in  May  and  all  thru  the  sum- 
mer until  October,  one  day  i  went  in  10 
times,  well  i  dident  say  anything  about  it 
to  father  so  as  not  to  scare  him.  well  today 
he  dident  go  to  Boston  and  he  said  i  am 
going  to  teech  you  to  swim,  when  i  was  as 
old  as  you  i  cood  swim  said  he,  and  you 

91 


The      Real      Diary 

must  lern,  i  said  i  have  been  wanting  to  lern 
to  swim,  for  all  the  other  boys  can  swim, 
so  we  went  down  to  the  gravil  and  i  peeled 
off  my  close  and  got  ready,  now  said  he,  you 
jest  wade  in  up  to  your  waste  and  squat 
down  and  duck  your  head  under,  i  said  the 
water  will  get  in  my  nose,  he  said  no  it 
wont  jest  squat  rite  down,  i  cood  see  him 
laffin  when  he  thought  i  wood  snort  and 
sputter. 

so  i  waded  out  a  little  ways  and  then  div 
in  and  swam  under  water  most  across,  and 
when  i  came  up  i  looked  to  see  if  father 
was  supprised.  gosh  you  aught  to  have  seen 
him.  he  had  pulled  off  his  coat  and  vest 
and  there  he  stood  up  to  his  waste  in 
the  water  with  his  eyes  jest  bugging  rite 
out  as  big  as  hens  eggs,  and  he  was  jest 
a  going  to  dive  for  my  dead  body,  then 
92 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

i  turned  over  on  my  back  and  waved  my 
hand  at  him.  he  dident  say  anything  for 
a  minute,  only  he  drawed  in  a  long  breth. 
then  he  began  to  look  foolish,  and  then  mad, 
and  then  he  turned  and  started  to  slosh  back 
to  the  bank  where  he  slipped  and  went  in 
all  over.  When  he  got  to  the  bank  he  was 
pretty  mad  and  yelled  for  me  to  come  out. 
when  i  came  out  he  cut  a  stick  and  whaled 
me,  and  as  soon  as  i  got  home  he  sent  me 
to  bed  for  lying,  but  i  gess  he  was  mad 
becaus  i  about  scart  the  life  out  of  him.  but 
that  nite  i  heard  him  telling  mother  about 
it  and  he  said  that  he  div  3  times  for  me 
in  about  thirty  feet  of  water,  but  he  braged 
about  my  swiming  and  said  i  cood  swim 
like  a  striped  frog,  i  shall  never  forget  how 
his  boots  went  kerslosh  kerslosh  kerslosh 
when  we  were  skinning  home  thru  croslots. 

93 


The      Real      Diary 

i  shall  never  forget  how  that  old  stick  hurt 
either,  ennyhow  he  dident  say  ennything 
about  not  going  in  again,  so  i  gess  i  am 
all  rite. 

June  15,  186-  Johnny  Heeld,  a  student, 
came  to  me  and  wanted  me  to  carry  some 
tickets  to  a  dance  round  to  the  girls  in 
the  town,  there  was  about  1  hundred  of 
them,  he  read  the  names  over  to  me  and 
i  said  i  knew  them  all.  so  after  school  me 
and  Beany  started  out  and  walked  all  over 
town  and  give  out  the  tickets,  i  had  a  long 
string  of  names  and  every  time  i  wood  leave 
one  i  wood  mark  out  the  name,  i  dident 
give  the  Head  girls  any  because  they  told 
father  about  some  things  that  me  and  Beany 
and  Pewt  did  and  the  Farmer  girls  and  the 
Cilley  girls  lived  way  up  on  the  plains  and 
i  dident  want  to  walk  up  there,  so  when 
94 


Of      a     Real      Boy 

i  went  over  to  Hemlock  side  to  give  one,  i 
went  over  to  the  factory  boarding  house  and 
give  some  to  them,  they  was  auful  glad 
to  get  them  too  and  said  they  would  go  to 
the  dance,  some  people  was  not  at  home 
and  so  i  gave  their  tickets  to  the  next  house, 
it  took  me  till  8  o'clock  and  i  got  1  dollar 
for  it.  i  dont  beleive  those  girls  that  dident 
get  their  tickets  will  care  much  about  going 
ennyway.  i  gess  the  Head  girls  wont  want 
to  tell  on  me  another  time. 

June  16.  Dennis  Cokely  and  Tomtit  Tom- 
son  had  a  fite  behind  Hirvey's  resterent  to- 
day. Hirvey  stopped  them  jest  as  they  were 
having  a  good  one.  Thats  jest  the  way.  i 
dont  see  why  they  always  want  to  stop  a  fite. 
All  fellers  fite  for  is  to  see  which  can  lick, 
and  how  can  they  tell  unless  they  fite  it  out. 


95 


The      Real      Diary 

June  17.  Brite  and  fair.  They  is  going  to 
be  a  big  cattle  show  here  this  fall.  They  are 
going  to  have  it  in  a  field  up  by  the  de- 
pot. They  are  going  to  have  horse  trots  and 
shows  and  everything.  We  are  going  to 
have  no  school,  it  dont  come  for  an  auful 
while  yet.  Charles  Taylor  is  going  to  have 
Nelly  to  ride. 

June  18.  Me  and  Mickey  Gould  had  a 
race  horseback,  he  had  one  of  Ben  Merril's 
little  black  horses,  we  raced  way  round  Ken- 
sington ring,  i  cood  beat  trotting  and  he 
cood  beat  running,  when  i  got  home  Nelly 
was  so  swetty  that  father  told  me  not  to  ride 
her  for  a  week. 

June   19.    Went  up  to  Chad  wicks  after 

school.    Boog  and  Whack  got  Willie  fiting 

with    Johnny    Rogers.     Willie    licked   him. 

Willie   is   Whack's   little  brother,    he  is  a 

96 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

auful  cunning  little  feller,  he  can  fite  too. 
all  the  Chadwick's  can  fite. 

June  20.  Brite  and  fair,  i  am  going  fish- 
ing tonite  with  Potter  Gorham. 

June  21.  brite  and  fair,  went  fishing  to- 
day with  Potter  Gorham.  i  cough t  5  pirch 
and  4  pickeril.  i  cleaned  them  and  we  had 
them  for  supper,  father  said  they  was  the 
best  fish  he  ever  et.  i  also  cought  the  biggest 
roach  i  ever  saw,  almost  as  big  as  a  sucker, 
and  i  cant  tell  what  i  did  with  him.  i 
thought  Potter  had  hooked  him  for  fun,  but 
he  said  he  dident,  and  we  hunted  every- 
where for  him.  i  dont  know  where  i  put  that 
roach. 

June  22.  the  students  had  their  dance  last 
nite.  they  had  a  auful  time,  some  of  the 
girls  which  dident  get  no  tickets  was  mad, 
and  the  students  which  wanted  them  to  go 

97 


The      Real      Diary 

was  mad  and  they  went  to  Johnny  Heeld 
and  give  him  time,  then  he  went  round 
and  told  them  how  it  was  and  give  them 
tickets,  well  the  nite  of  the  dance  every- 
thing was  all  rite  until  lots  of  people  came 
which  hadent  been  on  the  list,  but  which  we 
had  given  tickets,  well  the  students  dident 
want  to  let  them  in  and  they  were  mad,  and 
Chick  Randal  hit  a  student  named  Pendry 
rite  in  the  nose  and  nocked  his  glasses  off, 
and  Nichols  nocked  Johnny  Lord  way  acros 
the  entry  and  they  was  going  to  have  a 
big  fite  when  Bob  Carter  and  2  or  3  men 
stoped  it.  today  Johnny  Heeld  came  down 
to  the  house  and  said  i  had  got  things  all 
mixed  up  and  father  made  me  give  back  the 
dollar,  but  he  told  Johnny  Heeld  he  hadent 
ought  to  have  let  me  try  such  a  hard  job. 
Gosh,  i  am  glad  father  thinks  it  was  a  mis- 
98 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

take,  and  dont  know  that  i  did  it  on  pur- 
pose. 

June  23.  there  is  a  dead  rat  in  the  wall 
in  my  room,  it  smells  auful. 

June  24.  Rany.  most  time  for  vacation, 
the  smell  in  my  room  is  fearful. 

June  25.  more  trouble  today,  it  seems  as 
if  there  wasent  any  use  in  living,  nothing 
but  trouble  all  the  time,  mother  said  i 
coodent  sleep  in  that  room  until  the  rat 
was  taken  out.  well  father  he  came  into  my 
room  and  sniffed  once  and  said,  whew,  what 
a  almity  smell,  then  he  held  his  nose  and 
went  out  and  came  back  with  mister  Staples 
the  father  of  the  feller  that  called  me  Pole- 
legs,  well  he  came  in  and  put  his  nose  up  to 
the  wall  and  sniffed  round  until  he  came  to 
where  my  old  close  hung,  then  he  said, 
thunder  George,  this  is  the  place,  rite  be- 

99 


The      Real      Diary 

hind  this  jacket,  it  is  the  wirst  smell  i  ever 
smelt,  then  he  threw  my  close  in  a  corner 
and  took  out  his  tools  and  began  to  dig  a 
hole  in  the  wall,  while  father  and  mother 
and  aunt  Sarah  stood  looking  at  him  and 
holding  their  nose,  after  he  dug  the  hole  he 
reached  in  but  dident  find  ennything,  then 
he  stuck  in  his  nose  and  said,  it  dont  smell 
enny  in  there,  then  they  all  let  go  of  their 
nose  and  took  a  sniff  and  said  murder  it 
is  wirse  than  ever  it  must  be  rite  in  the  room 
somewhere,  then  father  said  to  me,  look  in 
those  close  and  see  if  there  is  ennything 
there,  so  i  looked  and  found  in  the  poket 
of  my  old  jaket  that  big  roach  that  i  lost, 
when  i  went  fishing  with  Potter  Gorham.  it 
was  all  squashy  and  smelt  auful.  father  was 
mad  and  made  me  throw  the  jaket  out  of 
the  window  and  wont  let  me  go  fishing  for 
100 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

a  week,  ennyway  i  know  now  what  became 
of  my  roach. 

June  26.  Keene  and  Cele  are  going  to 
sing  in  the  Unitarial  quire,  father  says  he 
will  give  them  some  bronze  boots,  mother 
got  them  some  new  nets  for  their  hair  today, 
girls  has  lots  more  done  for  them  than  fel- 
lers. 

June  27,  186-  Brite  and  fair,  school 
closed  today,  we  dont  have  enny  more 
school  til  September,  snapcrackers  have 
come.  8  cents  a  bunch  at  old  Langlys  store. 
Lane  and  Rollins  sell  them  for  10  cents, 
torpedos  8  cents  a  bunch,  pin  wheels  1  cent 
each.  Pewt  is  going  to  have  a  cannon,  fa- 
ther wont  let  me  have  a  cannon,  he  says 
i  dont  know  enny  more  than  to  look  into 
it  and  blow  my  head  off. 

June  28.  clowdy  but  no  rane.  4th  of 

101 


The      Real      Diary 

July  pretty  soon,  father  says  when  he  was 
a  boy  all  they  had  for  fireworks  was  balls 
of  wool  soked  in  tirpentine  whitch  they  lit 
an  fired  round,  i  am  glad  i  did  not  live  then. 

June  30.  clowdy  but  no  rane.  went  in 
swimming  3  times  today,  i  am  going  bull- 
froging  Monday. 

June  31.  no  July  1.  Went  to  church 
today. 

July  2.  i  went  bullfroging  today,  thun- 
der storm  today. 

i  have  got  10  bunches  of  snapcrackers 
and  some  slowmatch.  i  spent  a  dolar  of  my 
cornet  money,  i  gess  i  shall  never  get  that 
cornet,  i  hope  it  wont  rane  the  4th. 

July  3.   Nite  before  4th.    Pewt  and  Beany 
can  stay  out  all  nite.    father  took  my  snap- 
crackers   into   his   room   and  said   if   i  get 
up  before  5  i  cant  have  enny. 
102 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

July  4.  i  am  to  tired  to  wright  enny- 
thing.  i  never  had  so  much  fun  in  my  life, 
i  only  got  burned  5  times.  1  snapcracker 
went  off  rite  in  my  face  and  i  coodent  see 
ennything  til  mother  washed  my  eyes  out. 
Zee  Smith  fired  a  torpedo  and  a  peace  of 
it  flew  rite  in  the  corner  of  my  eye  and 
made  a  blew  spot  there,  i  fired  every  one 
of  my  snapcrackers.  it  took  me  all  day. 

July  5.  brite  and  fair,  i  dident  wake  up 
today  til  10  o'clock,  i  was  pretty  sore  and 
my  eyes  felt  as  if  they  was  sawdust  in 
them. 

July  6.  brite  and  fair,  father  staid  home 
today,  i  wanted  him  to  go  fishing  but  he 
woodent. 

July  7.  father  told  me  i  cood  go  fishing 
and  stay  all  day.  i  dont  know  what  had 
come  over  him  becaus  most  always  he  raises 

103 


The      Real      Diary 

time  when  i  go  fishing  and  dont  come  home 
erly.  so  i  went  and  cought  3  pickerels  and 
4  pirch  and  2  hogbacks  and  went  in  swim- 
ing  2  times,  well  as  i  was  a  coming  home 
2  or  3  people  met  me  and  said  they  was 
company  at  my  house,  so  when  i  got  home  i 
skined  in  the  back  way  so  as  not  to  see 
the  company  til  i  got  on  my  best  britches, 
but  i  met  father  in  the  door  and  he  told 
me  to  go  rite  up  to  mothers  room  and  see 
the  company,  so  i  skined  up  to  her  room 
holding  my  hand  behind  me  becaus  i  had 
tore  my  britches  auful  getting  over  a  fence 
and  i  dident  want  the  company  to  see.  well 
what  do  you  think  the  company  was.  it  was 
the  homliest  baby  you  ever  see,  it  looked  jest 
like  a  munky  and  made  feerful  faces  and 
kinder  squeaked  like.  Mother  was  sick  and 


104 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

they  was  a  old  fat  woman  who  told  me  to 
go  out,  but  mother  said  she  wanted  to  see 
me  and  she  kissed  me  and  asked  me  to  kiss 
the  baby,  i  dident  want  to  but  i  did  it  be- 
caus  mother  was  sick,  mother  asked  me 
how  many  fish  i  caught  and  what  kind  and 
i  told  her  and  said  she  shood  have  some  for 
her  supper,  but  she  said  she  gessed  she 
woodent  have  enny  jest  then. 

then  i  went  down  stairs  and  father  said 
did  i  like  the  baby  and  i  said  it  was  homly, 
and  he  said  it  was  10  times  as  good  look- 
ing as  i  was  and  he  said  he  was  glad  that 
when  the  baby  grode  up  it  woodent  have 
Beany  and  Pewt  to  play  with  and  woodent 
be  tuff  like  me,  and  then  Aunt  Sarah  said 
she  gessed  me  and  Beany  and  Pewt  wasent 
enny  tuffer  than  father  and  Gim  Melcher 


105 


The      Real      Diary 

were  when  they  was  boys,  and  then  father 
laffed  and  told  me  to  go  to  bed  and  i  went, 
that  was  a  auful  homly  baby  ennyway. 

July  8.  nothing  particular  today,  you 
bet  that  baby  can  howl,  went  to  church. 

July  9.  brite  and  fair,  most  every  morn- 
ing we  go  up  in  mothers  room  to  see  the 
old  fat  woman  wash  the  baby  and  hear  it 
howl,  it  turns  black  in  the  face,  i  bet  it 
will  be  a  fiter. 

July  10.  i  have  got  a  new  nickname, 
it  is  yallerlegs.  that  is  becaus  father  bought 
me  a  pair  of  kinder  yellow  britches,  and 
made  me  wear  them,  i  bet  he  woodent  like 
to  be  called  yallerlegs. 

July  11.  brite  and  fair,  went  in  swim- 
ing  today  to  a  new  place,  we  call  it  the 
stump,  it  is  up  by  the  eddy. 

July  12.  a  thunder  storm,  in  the  after- 
106 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

noon  went  fishing  but  dident  get  a  bite. 
Pewts  father  says  fish  wont  bite  after  a 
thunder  storm. 

July  13.  a  auful  hot  day.  tonite  i  went 
up  to  the  depot  to  see  Majer  Blake  and 
Charles  Tole  fite  over  passengers  to  the 
beach. 

July  14.  i  am  going  to  the  beach  to  stop 
with  Beany  in  his  fathers  tent,  it  is  called 
hotel  de  pig. 

July  15.   i  gess  i  will  go  tomorrow. 

July  16.  me  and  Beany  went  to  the 
beach  and  stopped  all  day  and  all  nite.  we 
had  a  bully  time. 

July  17.  another  hot  day.  went  in  swim- 
ing  4  times,  my  back  is  all  burned. 

July  18.  me  and  Beany  got  in  the  news- 
leter  today,  the  paper  said  the  Siamese  twins 
was  at  the  beach  stoping  at  Watsons  tent. 

107 


The      Real       Diary 

Pewt  was  mad  becaus  we  got  in  the  paper 
and  he  dident  and  told  all  round  that  it 
dident  mean  me  and  Beany  but  Rashe  Bel- 
nap  and  Horris  Cobbs. 

July  19.  Hot  as  time,  nothing  partic- 
ular today. 

July  20.  Hot  as  time,  nothing  partic- 
ular today. 

July  21.  Auful  hot.  big  thunder  shower 
the  litening  struck  a  tree  in  front  of  Perry 
Moltons  house. 

July  22.  Went  to  church.  Beany  let  the 
wind  out  of  the  organ  and  it  squeaked  and 
made  everybody  laff.  Keene  and  Cele  sing 
in  the  quire,  father  feels  pretty  big  about 
it. 

July  23.  i  got  stung  by  hornets  today, 
i  went  in  swiming  at  the  eddy  and  when 
i  was  drying  my  close  i  set  rite  down  on 
108 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

a  stump  where  there  was  a  nest  of  yellow 
bellied  hornets,  they  all  lit  on  me  and  i 
thought  i  was  afire  for  a  minit.  i  ran  and 
div  rite  off  the  bank  and  swam  way  out 
under  water,  when  i  came  up  they  were 
buzing  round  jest  where  i  went  down,  when 
i  came  out  the  fellers  put  mud  on  my  bites 
and  after  a  while  they  stoped  hurting,  i  tell 
you  the  fellers  jest  died  laffing  to  see  me 
run  and  holler. 

July  24.  Brite  and  fair,  i  was  all  sweled 
up  with  hornet  bites  but  they  dident  hurt 
enny,  i  looked  jest  like  Beany  when  he  had 
the  mumps,  everyone  laffed  at  me. 

July  25.  i  got  a  fishhook  in  my  leg  to- 
day, me  and  Fatty  Melcher  was  a  fishing 
when  we  got  our  lines  tangled,  i  hollered 
first  cut,  but  i  dident  have  enny  nife  and 
Fatty  woodent  let  me  have  his  nife.  So  we 

109 


The      Real      Diary 

got  jerking  our  lines  kinder  mad  like  and 
all  of  a  suddin  the  hook  got  into  my  leg. 
gosh  you  bet  it  hurt,  me  and  Fatty  got  the 
hook  out  but  it  bled  some,  the  worst  of 
it  was  there  was  a  wirm  on  the  hook  and 
when  we  got  the  hook  out  they  wasent  enny 
wirm  there.  Fatty  says  people  sometimes 
dies  from  having  wirms  in  them,  i  bet  this 
one  has  crawled  way  in.  it  may  grow  inside 
of  me.  something  is  always  hapening  to 
me.  when  i  got  home  i  went  down  to  docter 
Derborns  store  and  bought  some  wirm  medi- 
cine and  swalowed  sum.  it  was  auful  bitter, 
it  cost  20  cents  out  of  my  cornet  money. 
July  26.  brite  and  fair,  i  was  all  rite 
today  except  my  leg  was  stiff,  mother  asked 
what  made  me  lame  and  she  put  on  a  peace 
of  pork,  i  told  her  about  the  wirm  and  she 
said  the  pork  wood  draw  him  out  if  he 
110 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

was  there  but  she  gessed  he  dident  go  in. 
when  i  told  her  about  the  wirm  medecine 
she  jest  set  down  and  laffed.  so  i  gess  i 
needent  wory  about  having  wirms.  i  went 
down  to  doctor  Derborns  and  tride  to  get 
him  to  take  the  medicine  back  but  he  said 
he  woodent.  i  think  he  is  pretty  mean  not 
to. 

July  27.  i  coodent  go  in  swiming  today 
on  account  of  my  leg.  all  the  fellers  went 
in  and  i  had  to  set  on  the  bank  and  see 
them. 

July  28.  Coodent  go  in  swiming  today 
either,  my  leg  is  nearly  well,  mother  took 
off  the  pork  today,  it  was  all  white  where 
the  pork  was.  i  can  go  in  swiming  Monday, 
i  went  down  to  the  library  tonite.  it  is  the 
first  time  i  have  been  down  since  Joe  Par- 
sons chased  me  out.  i  gess  he  has  forgoten 

111 


The     Real     Diary 

it.  i  got  out  Bush  Boys  to  read,  it  is  a 
splendid  book  about  shooting  lions  and  ze- 
bras and  gerafs  and  everything. 

July  29.  i  tried  to  have  father  let  me 
stay  away  from  church  today  because  my  leg 
was  sore  but  he  said  all  rite  you  can  stay, 
but  i  gess  that  leg  will  be  too  sore  to  let 
you  go  in  swiming  this  week,  so  i  went 
to  church  and  dident  limp  enny.  this  after- 
noon i  set  under  the  apple  tree  and  read 
Bush  Boys,  father  and  mother  went  to  ride 
with  Nellie,  it  is  the  first  time  mother  has 
been  out.  Aunt  Sarah  took  care  of  the  baby, 
they  gess  they  will  name  it  Edward  Ashman 
Shute.  i  gess  it  is  named  Ashman  after 
the  leader  of  the  band,  i  am  going  to  tell 
him  tomorrow  and  see  if  he  wont  sell  me 
a  cornet  on  trust,  brite  and  fair. 

July  30.  Brite  and  fair,  i  told  father  i 
112 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

was  going  down  to  see  Mr.  Ashman,  and 
he  said  if  you  ever  do  i  will  lick  you.  the 
babys  name  is  Edward  Ashton  Shute  and 
not  Ashman,  i  woodent  name  him  for  enny 
cornet  player,  it  is  pretty  tuff  luck,  if  i 
cood  have  got  that  cornet  i  woodent  have 
minded  a  licking,  went  in  swiming  to- 
day. 

July  31.  Franky  had  the  croop  last  nite. 
i  waked  up  and  heard  him  cough  auful 
funny  and  kinder  as  if  his  throte  was  tite. 
i  called  mother  and  she  came  in  and  hol- 
lered for  Aunt  Sarah  and  father  and  they 
rushed  round  lively  and  gave  him  egg  and 
sugar  and  put  hot  cloths  on  his  throte  till 
he  howled  and  after  he  cood  howl  he  was 
all  well.  Aunt  Sarah  took  him  in  with  her 
the  rest  of  the  nite.  father  said  i  was  a  brick 
to  wake  up  and  call  them,  i  dont  know 

113 


The     Real      Diary 

when  he  has  called  me  a  brick  before,  went 
in  swiming  3  times  to-day. 

Aug.  1.  brite  and  fair.  Annie  tumbled 
down  the  front  steps  from  the  top  to  the 
bottom,  she  howled  and  mother  thought 
she  was  about  killed  but  she  was  so  fat 
that  she  dident  hurt  her. 

Aug.  2.  father  came  home  early  to-day 
and  took  mother  and  Aunt  Sarah  and  Keene 
&  Georgie  to  ride.  Me  and  Cele  staid  to 
look  after  the  house.  Cele  went  up  stairs  to 
look  after  the  baby  and  when  she  was  gone  i 
got  Annie  and  Franky  fiting.  it  was  the 
funniest  fite  i  ever  saw.  they  jest  pushed 
each  other  round  and  tried  to  claw  each 
other,  while  they  was  fiting  Cele  came  down 
stairs  and  pulled  them  apart  and  boxed  their 
ears  and  made  them  go  in  different  rooms. 
She  jawed  me  and  said  she  wood  tell  father. 
114 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

when  father  came  home  she  told  on  me  and 
father  sent  me  to  bed  at  six  o'clock.  You 
jest  wait  Cele  and  you  will  find  out. 

Aug.  3,  186-  brite  and  fair,  the  fellers 
played  a  pretty  mean  trick  on  me  tonite. 
they  played  it  on  Nibby  Hartwel  last  nite. 
Nibby  is  visiting  his  aunt  and  comes  from 
the  city  and  is  pretty  green  like  most  folks 
from  the  city,  you  see  if  i  hadent  got  sent 
to  bed  becaus  Cele  told  on  me  i  wood  have 
been  there  and  seen  them  play  it  on  Nibby. 
well  last  nite  all  the  fellers  was  out.  Whack 
and  Boog  and  Pozzy  and  Pewt  and  Beany 
and  Nipper  and  Cawcaw  and  Pile  and  Chick 
and  Micky  and  Pricilla  and  Fatty.  Nibby 
he  was  there  too.  they  wanted  to  play  lead 
the  old  blind  horse  to  water  and  i  was  to  be 
the  blind  horse,  they  said  they  had  some 
fun  playing  it  the  nite  before,  that  was 

115 


The     Real      Diary 

when  they  played  it  on  Nibby  but  i  dident 
know  that.  Well  you  blindfole  a  feller  and 
give  him  a  rope  and  a  swich  and  the  other 
fellers  get  on  the  other  end  of  the  rope  and 
the  feller  nearest  you  has  a  bell  and  rings  it 
and  you  pull  and  if  you  can  pull  him  up  to 
you,  you  can  paist  time  out  of  him  with 
your  swich,  only  if  you  pull  off  your  blind- 
fole all  the  fellers  can  paist  time  out  of  you. 
Well  they  blindfoled  me  and  hollered  ready 
and  i  began  to  yank  and  pull  and  the  feller 
rung  his  bell  and  he  came  pretty  hard  at 
first  but  i  kept  yanking  and  bimeby  he  come 
so  quick  that  i  nearly  fell  over  back  wards 
and  i  felt  him  and  grabed  him  and  began  to 
paist  time  out  of  him  when  he  grabed  away 
my  swich  and  began  to  paist  me,  and  that 
wasent  fair  and  i  pulled  off  my  blindfole 
and  who  do  you  suppose  it  was,  well  it  was 
116 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Wiliam  Perry  Molton  and  he  was  mad. 
they  had  tied  me  to  his  door  bell  and  i  had 
yanked  out  almost  ten  feet  of  wire,  when  i 
saw  who  it  was  gosh  i  began  to  holler  and 
he  stoped  licking  me.  i  gess  he  never 
licked  anyone  before  becaus  he  dident  know 
jest  how  to  lay  it  on.  well  when  he  found 
out  how  it  was  he  let  me  go  but  he  said  he 
shood  have  to  do  something  about  the  boys 
distirbing  him  so.  it  was  a  pretty  mean  trick 
to  play  on  a  feller,  we  are  going  to  try  and 
play  it  on  Pop  Clark  tomorrow  nite. 

Aug.  4.  brite  and  fair,  me  and  Hiram 
Mingo  had  a  race  today  to  see  whitch  cood 
swim  the  furtherest  under  water,  i  beat  him 
easy,  he  can  lick  me  but  i  can  beat  him 
swiming. 

Aug.  5.  Nothing  particular  today,  only 
church. 

117 


Tbe     Real      Diary 

Aug.  6.  the  baby  was  sick  today,  had 
the  doctor. 

Aug.  7.  the  baby  was  sicker,  i  dident  go 
in  swiming. 

Aug.  8.  the  baby  is  better  today,  i  went 
in  swiming  5  times. 

Aug.  9.  Raned  all  day.  The  baby  is  all 
rite,  i  went  bullfroging  with  Chick  Chick- 
ering. 

Aug.  10.  Nellie  is  sick.  Joe  Hanes  cut  a 
hole  in  her  and  put  in  a  onion  and  some 
braded  hair  and  then  father  took  her  out  to 
pastur.  i  cant  ride  her  for  a  month. 

Aug.  11.  brite  and  fair,  mister  Watson, 
Beanys  father  got  throwed  off  of  his  horse 
today  and  renched  his  rist.  the  horse  coodent 
have  throwed  him  but  the  gert  broke.  Mis- 
ter Watson  can  ride  splendid. 


118 


Off      a      Real      Boy 

Aug.  12.  brite  and  fair.  No  more  church 
this  month,  bully. 

Aug.  13.  brite  and  fair,  i  went  down  to 
Ed  Toles  and  me  and  Ed  rode  on  the  hack 
with  Joe  Farmer. 

Aug.  14.  Ed  Tole  and  Frank  Hanes  are 
mad.  Frank  hollered  over  to  Ed,  Ed  Tole 
fell  in  a  hole  and  coodent  get  out  to  save 
his  sole,  and  Ed  hollered  back  Frank  Hanes 
aint  got  no  branes.  and  then  they  was  mad. 

Aug.  15.  Wiliam  Perry  Molton  has  got 
some  ripe  apples  in  his  back  yard,  me  and 
Pewt  helped  him  ketch  some  hens  today  and 
he  said  we  cood  have  some  apples  if  they 
was  any  on  the  ground,  they  was  only  2 
wirmy  ones  but  before  we  left  5  or  6  fell  off. 
i  gess  it  was  becaus  Pewt  pushed  me  agenst 
the  tree,  they  was  pretty  good  apples  too. 

Aug.  16.  Rany.  i  went  fishing  with  Pot- 

119 


The      Real      Diary 

ter  Gorham.  caught  3  roach  and  5  hornpowt. 
we  et  them  for  supper,  father  said  i  can 
clean  fish  most  as  well  as  he  can.  he  says 
he  will  come  home  some  day  erly  and  go  a 
fishing. 

Aug.  17.  John  Gardner  has  hung  up  a 
Grant  and  Colfax  flag,  they  will  be  some 
fun  this  fall. 

Aug.  18.  brite  and  fair.  Today  i  went 
fishing  with  Fatty  Melcher.  we  caught  some 
ells  and  some  hornpowt.  ells  and  hornpowt 
can  live  a  long  time  out  of  water  and  so 
when  i  got  home  i  put  5  that  were  alive  in 
the  rane  water  barril. 

Aug.  19.  brite  and  fare,  it  is  fun  to  sit 
round  all  day  sunday  and  not  have  to  go  to 
church. 

Aug.  20.  brite  and  fair,  i  had  to  spend 
the  whole  morning  in  going  to  the  river  for 
120 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

water  for  washing,  it  was  wash  day  and 
when  mother  went  to  the  rane  water  barril 
there  was  5  dead  hornpowt  floting  on  the 
top.  she  made  me  tip  the  barrel  over  and 
get  water  from  the  river,  they  was  some 
fun  for  Beany  helped  me  and  he  stood  in  the 
hand  cart  and  filled  the  tubs  and  all  of  a 
sudden  i  let  go  and  the  old  cart  flew  up  and 
Beany  and  the  tub  and  the  pail  and  every- 
thing went  rite  in.  Beany  isent  going  to 
speak  to  me  ever  again. 

Aug.  21,  186-  Gosh,  we  are  having  fun 
now.  what  do  you  think,  they  is  going  to 
be  a  big  mass  meeting  this  fall.  Ben  Butler 
and  Jake  Ely  and  lots  of  old  pelters  are 
going  to  be  here,  and  they  is  going  to  be  4 

**r 

or  5  bands  and  lots  of  fun.  well  before  that 
comes  they  is  going  to  be  lots  of  political 
meetings  and  the  first  one  is  to  be  next  week, 

121 


The      Real      Diary 

and  father  is  going  to  make  a  speach.  Gim 
Luverin  and  Bil  Morrill  and  General  Mars- 
ten  and  Tom  Levitt,  and  he  is  a  ripper  to 
holler,  and  they  want  father  to  make  a 
speach.  father  says  he  must  work  for  the 
party  and  perhaps  he  can  get  his  salery 
rased,  so  he  has  been  a  riting  every  nite 
and  mumbling  it  over  to  hisself  and  last  nite 
he  said  he  had  got  it.  tonite  he  is  a  going 
to  speak  it  to  us. 

Aug.  22.  last  nite  father  studed  his 
speach  over  and  let  us  stay  up  to  hear  it» 
he  stood  up  and  looked  auful  stirn  and 
put  one  hand  in  the  buzum  of  his  shert.  i 
coodent  help  laffin,  but  he  told  me  to  shet 
up  or  i  cood  go  to  bed  and  so  i  shet  up.  i 
tell  you  it  was  fine.  It  begun  Mister  Mod- 
dirator  had  i  suposed,  or  for  1  moment  dremp 
that  i  a  humble  offis  holder  under  this  glori- 
122 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

ous  government,  wood  have  been  called  upon 
to  speak,  i  shood  have  remained  at  home 
with  my  wife  and  my  children. 

i  said,  if  you  dont  want  to  make  a  speach 
why  dont  you  stay  at  home  that  nite,  and  he 
said  1  more  word  from  you  sir  and  you  go  to 
bed.  so  i  dident  yip  again. 

then  he  went  on  like  this,  were  it  not  that 
a  crool  axident  in  my  erly  youth,  in  my  far 
away  boyhood  days  prevented  me  from  vol- 
untearing  and  desecrating  my  life  to  my 
country's  welfare,  in  the  strugle  jest  ended  i 
wood  have  poared  out  evry  drop  of  my  blud 
to  have  maintained  her  owner  and  the  owner 
of  her  flag,  mother  began  to  laff  and  said 
George  how  can  you  tell  such  feerful  stories, 
you  know  you  were  scart  most  to  deth  be- 
cause you  was  afraid  you  wood  be  drafted. 

father  said  they  was  a  lot  of  old  fellows 

123 


The      Real      Diary 

traveling  round  the  country  and  talking  that 
way  who  coodent  have  been  drug  into  the 
war  with  a  ox  chane.  then  he  stood  on  the 
other  leg  a  while  and  said,  it  is  peculiarly 
aproprate  that  Exeter,  the  berth  place  of 
Lewis  Gas,  the  educater  of  Webster,  the 
home  of  Amos  Tuck,  of  General  Marston 
shood  be  fourmost  in  the  party  strife,  and  as 
for  me  i  wirk  only  for  my  partys  good,  my 
countrys  good,  without  feer  or  hope  of  re- 
ward, they  was  a  lot  more  to  it,  and  some  of 
it  you  cood  hear  about  a  mile  he  hollered  so. 
Aug.  23.  We  are  all  going  the  nite  of  the 
rally,  mother  says  she  wont  go  for  she  wood 
be  ashamed  to  hear  father  tell  such  dredful 
stories.  Aunt  Sarah  dont  want  to  go  because 
she  is  afraid  father  will  brake  down,  but  she 
has  got  to  go  with  me  and  Keene  and  Cele 
and  Georgie. 
124 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Aug.  24.  father  practised  his  speach  to- 
nite  and  we  all  hollered  and  claped  at  the 
fine  parts,  he  has  got  a  new  pair  of  boots, 
they  hurt  like  time  and  he  only  wears  them 
nites  when  he  is  practising  his  speach. 

Aug.  25.  father  licked  me  tonite  becaus  i 
spoke  some  of  his  speach  to  Beany,  he  was 
auful  mad  and  said  i  was  the  bigest  fool  he 
ever  see.  the  fellers  have  got  up  a  Grant 
Club.  Pricilla  cant  belong  becaus  he  is  a 
demicrat. 

Aug.  26.  father  called  me  and  Beany  out 
behind  the  barn  tonite  and  gave  us  10  cents 
apeace  if  we  woodent  say  enything  about  his 
speach.  after  supper  father  practised  again 
but  he  dident  holler  so  loud  becaus  he  was 
afraid  some  body  wood  hear  him  and  mother 
dident  want  him  to  wake  up  the  baby,  and 
it  was  Sunday  too. 

125 


The      Real      Diary 

Aug.  27.  it  has  been  brite  and  fair  all  the 
week  and  hot  as  time,  i  have  to  go  to  the 
river  for  soft  water  because  it  hasent  raned 
eny  since  i  had  to  tip  over  the  rane  water 
barril.  i  have  got  a  little  tirtle  as  big  as  a 
cent,  father  went  down  to  General  Marstons 
office  tonite  to  arrange  about  the  rally,  he 
came  home  and  practised  about  an  hour,  i 
gess  he  wood  have  practised  all  nite  if  the 
baby  hadent  waked  up  and  hollered. 

Aug.  28.  we  are  all  getting  ready  for  the 
rally.  Keene  and  Cele  and  Georgie  have  got 
some  new  plad  dresses,  father  has  got  a  pair 
of  gray  britches  and  a  black  coat,  mother 
said  the  rally  was  a  good  thing  becaus  it  was 
the  first  time  she  had  seen  father  dressed  up 
since  he  was  married. 

Aug.  29.  they  was  a  big  thunder  shower 
last  nite.  we  all  got  up  in  the  nite  and  went 
126 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

into  mothers  room,  mother  set  on  the  fether 
bed  and  all  them  that  was  scart  cood  set 
there,  i  wasent  scart.  father  said  it  wood 
be  jest  the  cussid  luck  to  have  it  rane  the 
nite  of  the  rally. 

Aug.  30.  we  had  the  last  practise  tonite, 
father  put  on  his  best  close  and  new  boots 
and  the  girls  had  on  their  plad  dresses  and  i 
had  on  a  new  paper  coller.  we  all  set  down 
and  father  came  in  and  stood  up.  i  tell  you 
he  looked  fine,  well  he  begun,  mister  mod- 
derater  had  i  suposed  or  for  1  moment 
dremp,  and  then  he  forgot  the  rest,  i  tell 
you  he  was  mad.  i  wanted  to  laff  but  dident 
dass  to.  well  after  a  while  he  remembered 
and  went  through  it  all  rite,  and  then  he 
went  over  it  2  times  more,  gosh  what  if  he 
shood  forget  it  tomorrow  nite.  he  is  going 
to  wright  some  of  it  on  his  cufs  and  he  prac- 

127 


The     Real      Diary 

tised  tonite  making  jestures  so  as  to  bring 
his  cufs  up  so  that  he  cood  read  it. 

Aug.  31.  The  rally  is  tonite.  father  woke 
us  all  up  last  nite  hollering  in  his  sleep,  he 
dremp  about  the  speach.  this  morning  he 
went  to  Boston  without  eating  his  brekfast. 
i  gess  he  is  begining  to  be  scart.  i  am  a 
going  to  make  his  boots  shine  today,  gosh 
what  if  he  shood  brake  down,  i  gess  i  am 
getting  a  little  scart  too.  brite  and  fair. 

Sept.  1.  Last  nite  father  came  home  and 
the  first  thing  he  did  was  to  send  me  down 
to  Miss  Pratts  for  his  shert.  it  was  all  pol- 
lished  and  shone  like  glass,  then  he  asked 
if  i  had  blacked  his  boots  and  then  he  et 
supper,  he  dident  eat  much  though,  he  said 
Mr.  Tuck  came  down  from  Boston  with  him. 
Mr.  Tuck  was  a  going  to  make  a  speach  first 
and  then  he  was  going  to  introduce  Gim 
128 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

Loverin  as  chairman  and  then  Gim  Loverin 
was  a  going  to  call  on  father,  father  said  he 
bet  5  dollars  he  wood  call  him  Gim  instead 
of  mister  modderater.  father  was  pretty  cross 
at  supper,  i  gess  he  was  getting  scart.  the 
baby  began  to  cry  and  father  asked  mother 
why  she  dident  choak  the  squawling  brat 
and  mother  sorter  laffed  and  put  the  baby 
into  fathers  lap  and  said  i  gess  you  had 
better  choak  him.  father  laffed  and  began  to 
toss  the  baby  up  and  down,  he  likes  the 
baby  and  while  he  was  playing  with  it  he 
was  all  rite,  but  after  supper  he  was  cross 
and  said  he  hed  a  auful  headake.  then  he 
went  practising  his  speach  again  so  as  not  to 
call  the  modderater  Gim.  well  we  got  ready 
and  went  down  erly  to  get  some  good  seats 
so  as  to  hear  father  and  see  him  come  in 
with  them  that  was  to  set  on  the  platform. 

129 


The     Real      Diary 

we  wanted  to  go  down  with  father  but  he 
said  he  coodent  bother  with  us.  but  before 
we  went  he  came  down  stairs  with  his  new 
close  on  and  he  looked  fine  but  his  face 
looked  auful  white,  he  said  he  had  a  head- 
ake  but  as  soon  as  he  got  started  to  speak  it 
wood  all  go  off.  so  we  went  down.  Cele 
had  her  hair  curled  and  Keene  had  a  new 
red  silk  ribbon  on  her  hair  becaus  her  hair 
wont  curl  and  Aunt  Sarah  had  on  a  new 
dolman  with  beeds  on  it  and  some  long 
coral  earrings  and  they  all  looked  fine. 
Aunt  Sarah  took  Georgie  by  the  hand  be- 
caus she  was  the  littlest  and  me  and  Keene 
and  Cele  followed  on. 

When  we  got  there  the  band  was  playing 

in  front  of   the  town  hall  and  aunt  Sarah 

said  i  cood  stay  out  and  hear  it  and  then 

said  i  cood  sit  with  Gim  Wingit  and  Willy 

130 


Of     a      Real      Boy 

Swet  if  i  wood  behave,  i  said  i  wood  and  we 
lissened  and  after  the  band  went  in  we  went 
too.  most  all  the  seats  were  taken  and  we 
got  some  bully  seats  way  up  front,  i  looked 
for  father  but  coodent  see  him  becaus  the 
speakers  hadent  come  in.  well  jest  as  soon 
as  we  got  in  the  policeman  was  up  in  front 
and  he  said  they  has  been  too  much  whisling 
and  stamping  and  the  next  one  that  whisles 
or  stamps  will  get  put  out.  well  they  was 
old  Swane  and  Brown  and  Kize  and  Dirgin 
and  every  body  kept  quiet,  after  a  few 
minits  the  band  began  to  play  hale  to  the 
chief  and  the  speakers  came  marching  up  the 
middle  ile.  i  looked  for  father  but  he  wasnt 
there,  evrybody  began  to  clap  and  stamp 
and  Gim  and  Willy  asked  me  where  my  old 
man  was.  i  stood  up  to  see  if  he  was  there 
and  jest  then  i  saw  the  policeman  a  rushing 

131 


The     Real      Diary 

at  me.  he  grabed  me  by  the  collar  and  shook 
me  round  till  i  dident  know  which  end  my 
head  was  on  and  he  draged  me  down  the  ile 
and  threw  me  out.  as  we  were  going  down 
the  ile  i  saw  Aunt  Sarah  running  down  the 
other  ile  as  fast  as  she  cood  go  with  her  bon- 
net on  the  back  of  her  head  and  Keene  and 
Cele  and  Georgie  following  along  all  bawl- 
ing, she  got  out  in  the  entry  jest  as  he  was 
going  to  put  me  out  of  the  front  door  and 
she  grabed  me  away  from  him  and  said  you 
misable  cowardly  retch  to  treat  a  boy  that 
way.  he  said  i  whisled  and  she  said  he 
dident  and  you  knew  it  only  you  dident 
dass  take  ennyone  else. 

Then  she  told  us  to  come  home  and  we 

went  home  as  fast  as  we  cood  all  bawling. 

when    we    got    home    mother   was   sitting 

up   alone   and   aunt    Sarah    started   to   tell 

132 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

her  and  Keene  and  Cele  and  Georgie  all 
bawled  and  you  never  heard  such  a  noise, 
and  father  was  in  bed  with  a  headake  and 
hollered  out  what  in  time  is  the  matter,  and 
she  told  him  and  i  heard  him  jump  out  of 
bed  and  in  a  minit  he  came  out  buttoning 
up  his  suspenders.  Mother  said  where  in 
the  world  are  you  going  George,  and  he  said 
things  is  come  to  a  pretty  pass  if  a  boy  cant 
go  and  hear  his  father  make  a  speach  with- 
out being  banged  round  by  a  policeman, 
i  am  going  down  to  knock  the  heads  off 
every  policeman  there,  and  he  reeched  for 
his  vest,  mother  said  George,  dont  you  go 
near  the  hall,  and  father  said  he  cood  lick 
anny  2  men  on  the  police  force  easy  and  he 
would  show  them  how  to  slam  people  round 
and  he  reeched  for  his  coat,  and  Keene  and 
Cele  and  Georgie  began  to  bawl  again  to 

133 


The      Real      Diary 

think  he  wood  get  hurt  and  aunt  Sarah  and 
mother  said  you  had  better  not  go  George, 
and  father  said  he  wood  give  them  more  fun 
in  5  minits  than  they  had  seen  in  a  political 
rally  in  5  years  and  he  reeched  for  his  boots 
and  mother  said  what  will  they  think  of  you 
after  you  have  sent  word  that  you  are  too 
sick  to  make  a  speach,  to  see  you  come  rush- 
ing into  the  hall  and  go  punching  the  police- 
men and  father  had  got  on  1  boot  and  when 
she  said  that  he  began  to  look  kinder  sick 
and  said,  thunder  that  is  so.  and  then  his 
headake  got  wirse  and  he  gave  me  a  twenty 
five  cent  scrip  and  Keene  and  Cele  and 
Georgie  ten  cents  each  and  he  went  to  bed 
and  so  did  we. 

i   wonder   if  his   head  aked  realy  so  he 
coodent  make  a  speach  or  if  he  was  scart. 
i  bet  he  was  scart. 
134 


Of      a      Real      Boy 

school  commences  monday.  father  hasent 
asked  once  about  my  diry,  so  i  aint  going 
to  wright  enny  more. 


135 


KE  R 


1-lfiRAR 


G  BHT 


